im leaving 2009 really happy. iv done things i hadnt done in previous years, had new experiences in nearly every area of my life - some good some bad, but in all things i give thanks. iv had a few friends get engaged/ married, some become parents, iv lost three family members, been to new locations and different events. my favourite buy was a pair of shoes, money well spent was a chistmas holiday for mum, best investment was my sports injuries and massage course. my greatest achievement was graduating... i just realised this list might actually be endless so let me pause there.
so yer i know 2010 is going to be good not just because its a fresh start and im excited about things to come and all that, but also because i can look back and see how faithful and gracious God has been to me in the past year, and based on how he never changes, i know that things can only get better really.
iv decided this year not to make any resolutions. a) because by 2nd of jan most of them are already out of the window and b) because i dont really want to plan anything. im literally going to allow God to take me step by step, open the doors and let me walk through them, lead me in the direction he wants to take me, guide me along the rest of the journey he's taking me through, reveal himself to me and teach me. im standing on Psalm 23:1... and on my part im daring to loose control, place myself totally in his hand, be dependent on him, walk to the edge, live with intention, pray with abandon, continue to learn and actually live as i have been called to. i have no regrets about 2009, but iv learnt ways i could have done things better. im grateful for a fresh start, and im preparing for the fresh challenges. i think in a way iv lived to safe in 2009, been in the frying pan, felt the heat a little but 2010 is a year to go deeper and into the fire as the idiom says - but God's fire obviously. The fire burns, but it purifies - lets see what remains. im standing at another cross-road in this journey, a few options have already presented themselves to me. i dont want to look back on 31/12/10 and think that after all was said and done, a lot more was said than done... 2010 is my year 2 make things happen not just talk about possibilities.
Signed with love
Elle
"The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want" - Psalm 23:1
Thursday
out of the frying pan and into the fire
Friday
bedtime stories
every now and then i read a story from the bible im like cheese and bread, life was hard in the old testament!! God wasnt messing about back then!! i seriously couldnt have survived - i would have been sacrificing animals by the hour just to spare my head; and even if i managed not to sin, it would have been me that was turned into salt knowing my curiosity...
so im looking at this story about Samson and Delilah right, and even though iv hear/ read it before, im learning a few lessons and seeing things i never really took note of previously... like errrmmm how it starts off saying Samson went and saw a prostitute he wanted to spend the night with. ok now i know that not everything that happened could have been recorded, but im sure he didnt get away with that one seeing how militant God was... also the story states that Delilah nagged him till he was tired to death - serious persistance broke him down. in my mind i think after the first three attempts, he should have known that she would test whatever he told her so uhhh telling her the truth was stooopid Samson.... anyway i could go on, but my eyes are closing - its 4:09am and i should be sleeping, so im cuttin this blog short. here's my bible bedtime-story:
lol. the actual story is in Judges 16
Elle
xx
First Love
last night i cudnt sleep. i literally lay in the dark just thinking about everything under the sun (moon), refusing to turn off the light, determined to force myself to sleep in the next minute - my stubborness didnt pay off, 5 hours later i was still tossing and turning... i finally drifted off only to hear my alarm ring. grrr.... so here i am laying in bed with my hot-water bottle and laptop, this time determined not to switch of the light till that moment of inability to resist the force of gravity on my eyelids.
and so i blog...
the other day on the way to church, was talking to my bestest, who randomly asked me a question that brought up a memory, but being reminded of it somehow made my heart start beating a few extra beats per minute and sweatbeads started to form. i automatically did the whole nervous laughter, trying to cover up my state of discomfort. it didnt work, she knows me too well, i ended up telling her... *skip to less than an hour ago* ... i wish i could say i was doing something productive, or even reading something interesting, but truth be told i just finished watching an episode of ugly betty, and was about to check my facebook and twitter. when i hear:
"Return to that place of vulnerability"
i know when God speaks to me because its like Ka-Pow!! Bang!! Spiritual Slap!! its tear-jerking to the point that i have to do the whole swallow thing, and straight to the heart like ouch! and its amazing that such clear and concise statements make so much sense - too much for me to have conjured up on my own... i didnt even need to ask for an explanation. funnily enough i would usually write the following in my journal first before editing it and exposing it to whoever might come across this blog, but regarding the nature of His comment, here's to being open...
Return. iv been a bit lost for a while. i dont even know when or how it happened. not to even say i turned away from God or even backslid as is common terminology, but somewhere along the line since i left uni, the journey took a detour (no judgement fingers please!). i had stopped on this plateau on the mountain for more than a minute, as much as i knew i needed to start climbing again, press in and all that, something was stopping me. Kirk Franklins song 'First Love' has echoed in my ears for weeks now; time i did something not just sang along. not only to i want to return, i need to return.
that place. being a combination of the position i stood in which i had a deeper passion for God and the things of God, held my experiences with him dearer to my heart, walked closer with my saviour, knew who i am in him and how privilaged i am to have him in me. that place of confidence, peace, love, security and much more.
vulnerability. be willing to share my experiences, celebrations, joys, failures, shortcomings, and things i may not even be proud of. i began this blog with full intention to do so, but havent entirely. i do need to let my guard down, and not be cagey (as i was told i was - thanks alot, you kno who you are). i should remove the mentality that says being vulnerable is a sign of weakness. the wall i had built up not only prevents others from getting in, but also stops me from reaching others.
i thank God for His grace and mercy.
im back!!
"For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires” - Hebrews 4:12
Thursday
I day-dream a lot...
in order to do it properly is right;
but dreaming about it
when i should be doing it is wrong.
Saturday
character: a psychological system of personal traits?
Character is confidence dressed in humility. It keeps its word, its temper and its friends. It has a steady eye, a steady nerve, a steady tongue, and steady habits. It is silent when it has nothing to say, thoughtful and compassionate when it judges, and is always first to make amends when it is wrong.
Character does not run scared. It is surefooted, committed, and handles whatever comes along. Character has a sense of honour. It knows that a good laugh is often the best lubricant for oiling the machinery of human relations. Character never makes excuses. It takes its bumps, learns from its mistakes and becomes wiser.
Character knows that courtesy and good manners are nothing more than a series of small sacrifices. It speaks of an aristocracy that is not dependent on ancestors or money. A lord can be totally without it while the lowest of the low may ooze it out of every pore. "Character can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, or walk with Kings nor loose the common touch" (Rudyard Kipling). Everyone is comfortable with a person who has character because they are comfortable with themselves.
So, how do I measure up? Do I still need work? Of course!!
because character is built over a lifetime...I’m working on it.
xx
"Do not be so deceived and misled! Evil companionships (communion, associations) corrupt and deprave good manners and morals and character." - 1 Corinthians 15:33
Friday
ipod detox
A while ago a dear friend told me love is fake... my initial response was to laugh, and wonder what love did to her to make her so bitter towards it. but lo and behold, a few months later, i find myself at the same conclusion. love portrayed these days isnt real, long-lasting or what it should be. my definition of love changes as i mature, as i understand the meaning behind the words "i love you" which are all too easily thrown about, and finally as i comprehend who and how that love is being expressed to me.
i could go through many definitions of what love is and isnt, but right now Im tired of love...
i dont want to hear about it - on the radio/ the soundtrack of an advert that has nothing to do with love/ in slowjams that generally make me think certain things i have no business thinking / as im sitting on the tube on the way to work. im not interested in anyone elses love life and i dont really want to hear any stories to scare me about falling in love/ the pain of love/ the mushy joys of love....
i dont want to see it - on tv/ in the newspaper / in magazines/ on posters/ in a movie/ by those two on the street that cant keep the tongues in their own mouths...
i dont want to be asked about it - im not planning on marrying anyone in the near future, im not looking for love, and no im not upset that im not in love right now. Im back with my first love, Jesus, what more do i need.
i dont want to know anything about it ... im not upset or heartbroken, im just tired of love.
i meant to do this a few weeks ago, but am only just getting round to it... im detoxing my ipod, and being selective of what i watch, read and listen to for a while for my own sanity... So with that said, my last love song was going to be Chrisette Michele's "Love is you" - coz im definately a fan of her sound... but praise God for gospel alternatives with great lyrics... so without further ado here is S.O - Love is:
the greatest image of love is the Cross - John 3:16
Elle
xx
"I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you never [again attempt to] stir up or awaken love until it pleases." - Song of Solomon 8:4 (Amplified Bible)
Anyway
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.- Mother Teresa
Thursday
Friday
todays motto has ten two-letter words
i just had an epiphany. lol coz ive never used that word before and dont even know if thats the right context it should be used, but mehhh its done now so there... my thought was this:
someone i havent spoken to in a while called me the other day, funny enough the night before i was thinkin about him, but chose not to call because it was an ungodly hour. anyway he called me and in the course of our conversation i realised he does not know anything about my current life. it was quite serious coz i had to briefly describe everything i was doin... its funny how that one conversation sent me into analyze mode, and i began thinking about God, and how he must feel when i dont touch base with him. obviously he will always know what im doing, but its still important to get his opinion and approval in all i do. so i was a bit naughty and had skipped a few days without telling him anything, and those days actually sucked. lesson learnt. my devotion times have been messed up completely, just because i havent got a defined routine going with my working life yet. kinda bugs me that i know i need to give God more time in my day, but im struggling to.
so heres my new plan to stay on track: i found some tapes (yes i said tapes, im spiritually desperate so have to take it old school to get my daily bread) of the new testament so iv decided to listen to the bible in the car (since i seem to be having so much alone time there) and do my thang with God en route to where i need to be - another thing i need to adjust to. but its made me remember that prayer is easy, it can be done at anytime of the day, and anywhere, so i dont really have any excuses for not doin it.... and i also had to miss church yesterday (wow feel like im in a confessional booth or something), was a combination of reasons, but mainly because of work. i dont really know how i feel about working on a sunday, iv never been in this position before. if my spiritual life was on an alltime high, i dont think i would feel as bad, but right now im kinda on a small plateau on the mountain, and to be honest i dont like it here. the Kingdom of God is always advancing so why should i stay in one position. granted it is on me to progress though so its time to step up my game as the level of the challenge increases. in the words of William Johnson: "if it is to be it is up to me"
anyway i was just listening to this song... part of me wants to jump up and down, the other part is like errrr na jus sit down. lol... this song really reminds me of my church in bournemouth. huge sigh. i seriously need to go back and visit. im rambling, heres the video:
Elle
xx
"Give us today our daily bread." - Matthew 6:11
"It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." - Matthew 4:4
Wednesday
this has nothing to do with anythin, i jus think he is the cutest lil boxer ever - and he's really good!! dang kids need 2 step back in the playground boi...
ps i know the layout looks a bit whack... i got inspired to change it, was in the middle of getting the colours right and testing some different backgrounds then i realised wat the time was and tireness set in, and now im wonderin why i started now
nite
xx
Monday
Been a long time, shudn't av left you...
so iv neglected my blog in so long, and i appologise... but on a plus its been because i have a life and things have been happening.lol... so heres my fast update:
completed an intense 9-6pm week of an ITEC Sports Injuries and Massage, so am now fully qualified (ok well i have to hand in 5 case studies and do an exam at the end of november, but thats gona be easy)
i got a position under England Basketball, working with a team - in brief, im doing injury rehabilitation and sports massage. yesterday was my first game day. thoroughly enjoyed it. who knew sitting on the bench with the guys was so cool. courtside seats is how i do... thank God there were no injuries, coz i wud have had to run on and do first aid - if only they knew how much my heart was racing everytime someone fell on the ground. i was like praying in tongues in my head for them hahaha. so yer i didnt have to do much yesterday, just enjoyed watching the game really, and of course we won 73-61!! Go Warriors!! i could easily get used to this... seems like im taking small but steady steps toward my career, im not with the NBA or anything (yet) but its a start and im getting the experience i need. im so grateful I have God on my side.
on a spiritual side, iv been goin to Epainos Ministries... omdays sideline: everyone in the church is talented!! everyone seems to be able to play an instrument, sing, dance or something - its amazing!! and its a blessing to see people nurturing and using their gifts for the the His glory... so yer i like it there, havent really got confirmation of how long im goin to be there, but its home for now and im happy... in terms of my personal walk - the journey continues. just because i havent been blogging much, doesnt mean iv slipped off the bandwagon. there is a time for everything, and i feel that right now, God is saying i should concentrate on walking through the doors he has opened for me, so thats wat im doing. as soon as i get proper time to sit down and blog, will write down my key revelations that are upholding me, but for now i gotta bounce.
Keep loving Jesus,
Elle
xx
"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." - Matthew 6:33
Thursday
COME AND SUPPORT THE CAUSE
job, career, work, employment
so as i tweeted earlier im officially part of ChIPS - Chartered Institue of Professional Socialites. i refuse to be called unemployed, it doesnt sound cool... im looking for a job but enjoying life as much as possible. i loving chilled social occasions. i had a great birthday weekender with my nearest and dearest, my birthday on monday with mummy was lovely, and dinner with my uni friends last night was fantastic... i need a job though to fund my social adventures. speaking of jobs... im so confused right now. i dont know what to think... i got a call this morning from a lady i had an interview with last week... she basically said that i got the job, she wouldnt hesitate to employ me and gave me really good feedback about how the interview went. so there i was gettin really excited... untill she said unfortunately they cant recruit at the moment and she'll let me know in a month's time if i can actually start working there. ermm what?? so shouldnt they stop advertising for a job that doesnt exist? why did they interview me? wat was the point? are people allowed to do that? i dont get it.
not sure what to do, so here's the verse im standing on till i know:
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." - Romans 8:28
Friday
I gotta feeling...
iv woken up early today. i dont think my body has acknowledged 7am's existance since i left uni... got an interview today. im not really nervous, am trying to stay calm. iv done as much preparation as i know how to, thanks to my girls for the tips...its kinda funny that my whole education process boils down to an hours' interview that will launch my career. dang. i really do want this job, so am praying for favour... i gotta a feeling God's plans will be fulfilled regardless of how this goes
here goes
xx
just saw this video, kinda made me smile - although i was secretly thinking they was a bit obvious something was going to happen when the woman at the front was dancing and everyone else stood like soldiers and barely even looked at her - good job anyway though.
i heart flashmob dancing
"Jesus looked at them intently and said, 'Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God.' " - Mark 10:27
Tuesday
Monday
God v CommonSense
During Soul Survivor, God dared me to live in total abandonment to him. my first thoughts were trying to decode what that statement actually entailed, like trying to figure out what i was about to sign my name on. i couldnt figure it out so i just ended up saying ok. so on the sly he's been testing me - aite so maybe sly is a bad word to use, but he's been giving me little challenges that i didnt realise would just show how willing i am to be obedient.
sadly i have to admit that iv been missing it. ive had one too many instances recently when i've heard the Holy Spirit say i should do something and jus not done it and kicked myself afterwards. like there was one day i was taking good old public transport to go to a meeting. got on the northern line, arrived at london bridge and the Holy Spirit said get off here, take the jubilee line and go a different way... but nooooo me i thought i could outsmart the all-knowing!!... anyway i ended up taking my own route which resulted in me being nearly an hour late, and i had the audacity to be upset and blame TFL... could have easily been avoided, if i had got off my blessed assurance and changed tube... i realise that somethings God says go totally against common sense - like taking two tubes instead of one isnt naturally logical, but hindsight says it would have saved time. funny how sometimes i spend ages saying 'Lord speak to me/ lead me' and when he does i dont follow his direction. some things may fail at the bar of common sense, but pass at the bar of faith... i realise that the reason God dared me was because on occasion when he asks me to do something i have the attitude of the dude in Luke 9:61 "I will follow you, Lord; but first..." its not that i dont want to initially follow him, but my habit has been to make his way my plan B. iv been a modern Jonah in some instances - when my way fails then i go his. but total abandonment requires more. immediate action to his command, and not looking back. "its all or nothing" has been a theme echoing in my friendship group for a while now. or as a wise woman i know says: "Go hard or Go home" - its definately a key phrase i need to start living by. i do want to live in total abandonment. i may not get to that point 2mw, but im willing to take the necessary steps.
i need to make His way plan A, and not have a plan B.
xx
“We’ve given up everything to follow you,” - Mark 10:28
Thursday
2:30am thoughts
im still awake at stupid o'clock so thought id blog....
i went to an investment seminar today. was quite interesting actually. id love to invest some money, but uhhh i dont av any to invest rite now, which really sucks. this jobhunt is the most repetative and annoying process iv ever experienced. its not even that im not looking for stuff... actually i dont wana start moaning. God has everything in control. Thankyou Father for my job.
its my birthday soon. should i do something or not? 23 is not a cool number to celebrate, but im grateful for every year God has blessed me with... i kinda want to, but i cannot be bothered to organise anything. one of my pet-peevs is people letting me down. it seriously bugs me when a person says they'll do something and then dont. and i have a feeling, like with every other birthday, some will say they'll come and wont. i dont know if i can be bothered to go thru that. actually i just had an idea of what to do. hahaha... im gona send out invitations saying time, date and place and not ask whos coming or not. whoever shows up shows up, if no-one comes, i'll just treat myself to a meal out. avoids disappointment, and leaves room for an element of suprise.
oooo i started reading a book today! and for me thats actually amazing so im patting myself on the back... actually that wasnt a good thought to rant about seeing as im only in the 1st chapter so cant really make a valid point... but i have just learnt that bloggin at this time of day doesnt really work for me. i need some brain food... mmm ice-cream would do nicely... actually speaking of icecream!!! what is the world coming to?! im not very impressed with Ben&Jerry's any more. their stupid stunt of changing the name of their 'Chubby Hubby' flavour to 'Hubby Hubby' to support the freedom to marry and gay rights milarky is not cool. just for that, they've lost me as a fan. i dont support such things.
ermmm next... oh im trying to properly learn scriptures. like actually where they are in the bible. the other day someone asked me where a certain verse was. i said somewhere in Psalms and sang her the song "i will lift up mine eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth... " i later thought to myself how it wasnt so great that i know songs and not verses. its not a sin or anything, but makes me think. i now know that its from Psalm 121, so i guess it wasnt too bad. yesterday i learnt Psalm 1:1-4. ok so quoting it on here wouldnt prove i know it, coz i could easily just copy & paste... wait im saying it in my head to test myself....wait......a lil longer.......a lil longer.........longer........arrghhh i cant remember the last verse!! but well done me. think i'll attempt one verse at a time, clearly my mind can just about do 3.
lol i just saw how unrelated this blog-thought-pattern was. mehh at this time of day, im allowed. ok its sleepy-time now.
xx
"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe." - Psalm 4:8
Saturday
Love ... Knowlegde + Judgement
We had a moment. He told me that he loved me. I just looked at him. I heard the clock ticking in the background... this could either be really agonising for him as he hoped to hear the usual 'i love you too' statement volleyed back to him, or it could be a time for him to wonder if i would accept the nicely wrapped present of what he thought i wanted to hear. seconds passed as thoughts and questions filled my mind... How could he lie straight to my face? Can he truely think that i would realy believe him just like that? the words he uttered were as significant to me as offering a liver to someone who needed a kidney transplant. its not that i didnt want to accept what should be a heartfelt statement, but in the same moments he said those words i realised something - he cant love me.
WAIT!! for years i had longed to hear those words, but in seconds i rejected them?! whats wrong with me? i guess its because iv been here before. it took too much time to recover from the last heartache to dive back into another hot mess without precaution. premature love is not for me - i dont need to learn that lesson again.
For someone to say "i love you" the words are only meaningful when that person has a certain amount of knowledge about me. obviously their efforts to get to know me can be hindered by how much i trust them and allow them to know me... so in hearing him say that he loves me, i questioned what he actually knows about me that he could really love. does he love just one aspect of me? does he love the representative of me that always tries to impress him whenever we meet? without goin into my own version of 50cent's song '21 Questions' - if he saw me at my worst (looking or behaved) would he love me then?
Love also comes with judgement. because after finding out about all my failings, weaknesses and shortcomings, a decision has to be made as to whether he likes me enough to stick around. whether he can look past all of that and still love who i am despite of all of that... There is only one that can say they truely love me, God my Father. He alone knows me inside out, and yet still choses to love me eternally and unconditionally. its a concept that blows my mind everytime i think about it. there are few people on this earth that when they say they love me, i can actually accept it. (but even with them, I know their love is dependent on something, and at any point they could stop loving me beit my fault or not) ... so on hearing these words i wondered whether i could allow this person to join that elite group. I wanted more than just words, more than just an appropriate comment for our current relationship. i wanted him to seriously understand what he was saying, and i wanted him to get that it required corresponding action to give weight and meaning to the statement he was making. i wanted him to know that should he ever hear me say it back to him, i would mean it from the depths of my being... ok so my definition of love may not be complete or as mature as another persons, but i would love him the best way i know how, and would be willing to invest all of myself and watch that love grow.
Love. its a big topic.
xx
"We love because he first loved us." - 1 John 4:19
Wednesday
Mummy i think im famous!!
so i've been away for a bit... since getting back i had a lot of spiritual food to chew on and understand before i write about it... the process was kinda rushed because IGOC starts today and gotta keep on the move, had to deal with that stuff so I can be open to recieve what God has instore for this conference... (checkout the website and feel free to join us).
There was once a little donkey who ran home one evening to his mum, excited to tell her about the adventures of the day. "mummy! mummy! remember how the other day i was crying because noone wanted to sit on me, and i thought no one wanted me? well, mummy, you'll never guess what happened to me today! two men came and got me and took me to Jerusalem. they put their coats on me, and even laid their clothes and palm branches on the ground for me to walk on! everyone was cheering and clapping and dancing and waving at me. everyone was so happy to see me! Mummy i think im famous!!" he said. Now the mum donkey had to calm him down and gently tell him "my darling, yes they screamed and shouted and waved, but it wasnt for you. all of it was for the one you were carrying into Jerusalem."
its a humbling thought to think of myself as a donkey, but this story based on Luke 19 illustrates what worship is. verse 34 reads : "And they said, The Lord has need of it." Just as the donkey was needed to carry Jesus, we (the church) are needed to lift him up in worship. its not about me at all. the clapping, cheering, dancing, singing should all point to Him. if that donkey had gone buck wild and distracted the crowd it would have subtracted from the whole point of Jesus riding into Jerusalem. the focus was not on how loud the cheering was, how expensive the clothes on the ground were, how beautiful the harmonies sang were, or even the little donkey that had never been sat on.
At the heart of the Kingdom is the King. Worship Him.
xx
Friday
why hasnt this song ever left me
I know this is probably the strangest thing i mite ever say, but i think i wrote a song. ok let me explain... i dont remember who taught me it, or where i heard it, but on one occassion years ago i learnt this song. since that one time, iv remembered the melody, the lyrics and everything - but i cant find anyone else that knows it, tried googling the lyrics and nothing comes up, and for nearly ten years now ive never heard it anywhere again... and so if i dont get any decent claims to it, im accepting and drawing the conclusion, maybe i wrote it.lol... its a worship song - maybe the Holy Spirit dropped it in me during worship, and i was too young to understand so it got engraved in my mind. maybe i just made it up - who knows. either way its really begining to bug me now. the song keep popping up in my head regularly and i have no idea why. im not even exaggerating when i say that over the last month its been on my mind more than twice a week for different periods of time...the lyrics are quite simple, and it only has one verse showing im not a great songwriter. but here it is (mayb i'll sing it to ya one day.lol):
What can my heart render,
in your courts oh Lord?
What can i present to you,
to display my joy?
See the angels gather,
around your throne oh Lord.
"Holy God, Almighty"
we will sing in awe
(chorus)
Let me sing to you,
my new song for you.
Let my voice be true,
oh Spirit come,
accept all the worship due,
Glory belongs to you.
Let me honour you,
give my best for you,
Let my voice be true,
oh Spirit come,
accept all the worship due,
Glory belongs to you.
Thursday
Hanging out with my friend Jesus
Saturday
SoUL SurVIvor!!
this is so exciting... im going to soul survivor 2mw... ahhhh!!
check the website. God is on the move, and im glad to be part of the movement.
Permission granted for God to have His way. im takin all limits off, do ur thang Lord!!
Bring it on Jesus, i want more!!
xx
"You do not have, because you do not ask God" - James 4:2
Thursday
learn somethin new every day
every now n then i read the word 4u 2day. today it says:
"You might recall the name Isaac Newton as 'that bloke who is famous for having an apple fall on his head', but there's more to the story than that! Newton was the first person to be able to explain things we now take for granted, such as the way we are all subject to the Laws of Gravity and the Three Laws of Motion. But Newton might never have published his work had it not been for another science-dude called Edmond Halley. A well-respected boffin in his own right, Halley visited Newton at Cambridge to discuss a problem he was working on, only to discover that Newton had already solved it. Halley encouraged Newton to publish his work, and even offered to do it for him at his own expense. The result was the publication of the snazzily titled Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica in 1687, which laid the groundwork for the future study of mathematics and changed the way people see the world. You may not have the brain of Isaac Newton but you do have the heart of Edmond Halley, a heart that wants to encourage your mates to do great things. Who has God put into your life to cheer on, raise up, or help on their journey? This much is true: when you help other people to do the things God created them to do, you have the satisfaction of sharing in their success."
iv recently started looking for jobs...yes, me! i can barely believe it. its quite a weird experience, sending off pieces of paper for people to scrutinize over and ultimately help or hinder me in my career path... i havent yet got a job, but in all things i give thanks. and this morning its to those(you know who you are) who have encouraged me to apply and keep going coz this mind-numbing experience will be worth it in the end... even Newton needed a lil push in the right direction.
friends - gotta love 'em
xx
"Worry is a heavy load, but a kind word cheers you up" - Proverbs 12:25
Wednesday
Tuesday
The choice
That right there is probably the easiest, but often what i find to be the hardest part of this journey. take last night for example, two friends completely threw a spanner in the works in terms of plans i have been making for my future. when i found out their decision, my initial reaction on the phone was not a reflection of how i felt. 75% of me was stirring up verbal slap in revenge of the gut-punching feeling i had recieved; but somehow the 25% of me that thought it was better to keep quiet won ... Years ago i chose Jesus. i wanted him to be Lord over my life, to rule and reign in every area. But that really wasnt a one time decision. i frequently say 'everything happens for a reason' - which is sometimes my way of screaming 'i av no idea whats goin on here! Father what are you up to?!' i need to remember that the current situation is just one piece of the puzzle but He can see the whole jigsaw. even though my brain struggles to understand it at times, I know His way is the best and He has everything in control... sigh, it will work out
So today, i choose to live by His Word.
i choose to walk by faith.
i choose Him.
"Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve" - Joshua 24:15
Monday
Saturday
Fatherless generation!
“I’m worried, I’m angry- someone needs to try harder,
What use is it to say nothing? it’s like soap that will not lather,
Look Billie Jean I’m not Luke’s father, but Yes I’m still concerned,
I’ve watched him grow up all these years I’m not gonna watch him burn,
I can see a light at the end of the tunnel all he has to do is turn;
A new leaf that is, and drop these habits, a point of no return:
He has so much potential but his friends lead him astray,
Typical story in this era but change begins today!”
{Luke is the kind of guy that grew up without a real hero,
Don’t get me wrong he DOES know his dad but Ricky is a zero;
At the age of 53 he’s still hoping to be signed
When he’s not promoting mixtapes he’s out there on the grind
Selling weed and bootleg DVD’s a life that lacks a purpose,
Sad but true that when you have no goals your life can become worthless,
I pray that won’t be Luke because his talent’s not a fluke,
Artistically inclined- he writes, he paints, he plays the flute;
If he stays in education he can achieve so much,
But who’s around to tell him this when I am out of touch,
He used to come to youth group and we would have debates
But yesterday on the High street he didn’t recognise my face?
He’s obviously not interested, maybe I shouldn’t bother
But wait he needs a father figure that’s what we can offer;
He needs to come back to the church where he can be inspired,
He’ll change from Luke-warm into hot if he can catch the fire
Then he’ll realise he has a purpose, there’s a plan tailored for him
And the boys that he looks up to will be there to mentor him!
Yeah that’s a good plan but I need to get him here
He likes that girl Sophia maybe she could be a dear?}
“Like I was saying Billie Jean, don’t let him waste his youth,
I know you’re praying daily- introduce him to the truth,
But if he doesn’t listen to you I have another plan,
We can’t let him waste his gifting he could be a great man,
And plus the Lord wants to use him so he’ll get him anyway,
But the damage can be reduced if He gets hold of him today!”
Bille Jean talking:
“Sunshine, what you say is true and we should be concerned
Because in this world we live in far away from God we turned,
And if we are not careful and we don’t correct our offspring,
Then the generation after them will know nothing but sin!
So I make a stand today that I’m gonna make a change,
Put more effort into raising Luke and make sure he behaves.
To anyone who’s reading this and trying to live for Christ,
Remember, you’ve been shown the light so you can help the blind,
Don’t give up on the Lukes you know, and live a holy life,
Because they don’t want to hear your story; they want to see it LIVE!
Thursday
Change is here
So the layout background and everything has changed... its a combination of i did it coz i wanted to and also i dont have a job right now so wat better way to spend an hour. lol... i was wondering who actually reads this blog to even notice, but turns out there's a few people secretly following...so to those who have made themselves know - i hope u like it, if not say so. and to those who havent revealed their identities - please do so then tell me what u think :-)
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" - 2 Corinthians 5:17
Wednesday
i have no church... and those ones are are wierd
Contrary to some people's belief church isn't the place where Fun goes to die... this morning i was reading about how Jesus flipped out and started tearing the place apart when he found out that people were buying and selling things in his Fathers house (Mark 11:15-). there are other scriptures where Jesus basically told people they were super-religious on the outside but deep down they were hypocrites and full of wickedness (Mattew 23:27-28). so this church issue has been goin on for years. what is church? and which one is the right one?
about a week ago i was driving with 2 friends in bournemouth and we passed a building that deemed itself a church. in my opinion the name of the church sounded like it had some kind of cult involvement, and in my friends opinion the roof of the building looked like they were involved in some sort of witchcraft. ok so on one hand it can be argued that we were being judgemental and blah blah you cant judge a book by its cover and blah blah you dont know till you've been inside... on the other hand i think in this day and age its important to use some wisdom and discernment in everything. they may be seeing the most powerful move of God of this century right inside those four walls - but i know i personally wont be entering to find out. call me what you will. there are so many people calling themselves christians. so many different forms of chrisitanity and so many different types of churches these days that its becoming difficult to distinguish which is real chrisianity. one thing i do know is fake christianity doesnt last long. those involved may even seem to prosper for a while, but soon something happens and as quickly as the movement started, it ends. God's word, like himself, is the same yesterday today and forever so anything based on it should last.
i recently heard about an art exhibition in Glasgow. basically its about people de-facing the Bible. the so called artists decided it would be a good idea to let people write whatever they felt like directly onto the pages of the Bible. encouraging people to engage in disrespectful, offensive and blaspheming nonsense is wrong on so many levels... then as if that isnt bad enough to find out that it has been done by the Metropolitan Community Church disgusts me to the core. what kind of church allows anything to be done to their holy book? how can a religion lose respect for the words from their own God? highlighting and underlining scriptures is one thing but this is taking it over-board. these people will pay for this - theres no doubt about it. (oh btw if anyone sees any form of petition against this please post it below, im gona try find one too)... to echo a spokesman for the catholic church: “one wonders whether the organisers would have been quite as willing to have the Koran defaced.” arrrgghhh even blogging about it is making me angry...
right now im kinda church-less. my bournemouth church was beyond fantastic. i felt like i was growing spiritually, the worship, the teaching, and the fellowship was great. i felt so accepted and at home - just wat i needed in my final year of uni ... now im back in london im in some sort of church-transition mode. i dont feel like im part of the church i used to attend here. its not that theres anything wrong with the worship or docrtine, im just not sure if thats where God wants me. maybe its because i havent attended it consistently for four years but for some reason it doesnt seem like my church anymore. everything has changed, there are so many new faces - and it really bugs me when people ask me if its my fisrt time visiting, i feel like screaming "excuse me, i grew up in this church, who are u?" self-control is actually a good gift to nurture. maybe i just need to get re-plugged back in, get to know the lovely newbies/ maybe i need to find a new church? im praying about it.
one things for sure if i do end up finding a new church for the sake of my salvation yes i will be skceptical. just because someone calls himself a pastor or bishop or apostle doesnt mean i should sit under their teaching or even give them my money. im lookin for the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. i dont need a watered-down description of it. i want my own encounter with Jesus and if a church cant lead me to Him, then its not for me. my point of view is that if faith can come by hearing then i need to be careful what or who im listening to coz by the same process unbelief, fear, or some random doctrine can also enter and two-twos a person ends up starting a stupid exhibition.
If what im hearing in church doesnt line up with whats in my Bible, im gona question it
Elle Naturelle
xx
"And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near" - Hebrews 10:25
Sunday
WOW... looks like it's back to the drawing board!
Today's sermon at church was by a young elder who I had been speaking to earlier this week about how much rubbish is on TV (although we both admitted to liking Desperate Housewives).
This sermon was about Loving God which I thought I was pretty good at until he destroyed me. He started by drawing the congregation's attention to Matthew 22:34-40 where Jesus summarises the greatest commandment as Loving God and the second as loving your neighbours.
The preacher reiterated that love is shown through actions and as Jesus said in that same passage, that means with all your mind, with all your heart, soul and strength. He broke all these down using the context matched with the original greek meanings which had been translated.
To cut a long story short, it was deep! It was as if someone had punched my face.... I was thinking 'oh, maybe this love thing isn't as easy as i thought....'. I also realised that in actual fact to my complete horror I do not love God... I like Him a lot but in order to love Him I must give more of my heart, my psyche, my passions, my time, my energy, my thoughts, my desires, my dreams... the list goes on. Although in everything I do He is at the back of my mind, it's not good enough, He should be at the foreront of mind and I have been commanded to love Him with all my heart (not the flesh coz that's impossible but the centre of my being, my very core).
So on this new found knowledge that I don't love God what am I going to do about it? Well first I have to pray and ask for forgiveness for paying such little attention to the author and finisher of our faith.... then I need change my schedule to suit God rather than myself... I haven't been making enough effort to do that. It's going to be difficult but I have to start somewhere.
Check yourself to make sure that your not like me! Your actions must speak louder than your words or it's just lip service!
Bye for now
-`0 -
Saturday
God's Mental Capacity
Went to Ruach Youth Conference last nite with a few friends (and yes i kno im 22 and not really a youth anymore, but im hanging onto the last threads of it). But anyway, there we are sitting and waiting for the evening to start and my bestest turned to me and said something along the lines of "God is alll-knowing, He cant forget"... it blew my mind!! all these years iv been thinking God cant remember all the bad stuff i've done because i said sorry - now to find this out i had a tidal wave of condemnation trying to flow over my mind. But the evening started and i didnt have time to jump into my prayer closet about this matter which seemed to be shaking a fundamental belief on forgiveness...So this mornin i was up doin my research and here's a brief snippet of what ive learnt:
God is infinate, the One who created all things, and He knows the past and future. The bible says that when we repent, He will not remember our sins (Isaiah 43:25)... and this is the scripture i jus took at facevalue. in my mind it was like repentance gave God some sort of forgiveness related amnesia so he could do the whole "forgive and forget" milarky.... but how can an all-knowing God do that? i dug deeper on definitions. In English, remembering and forgetting are opposites. to remember, being recalling memories and bringing ideas into thoughts; and forgetting is failing to do these these mental activities. But the Hebrew word for forget also means to neglect, ignore, forsake or willfully act in disregard to a person or covenant. It is to act as though you have forgotten. Im not saying God pretends, but rather puts it to one side so to speak
i remember an analogy that a sunday-school teacher once told me: everytime i say sorry God throws that sin into a huge pond that has a sign that reads 'no fishing!'... iv heard others call it a sea of forgetfullness (which btw iv just found out isnt actually scripture! who knew?! the idea comes from Micah 7:19)... are these mushy stories to make us feel better? is it possible that God has a delete button in his mind? how can he choose not to remember something and yet not lose it from his memory? what is God's mental capacity? i dont have an answer - (theories or suggestions below pls). but heres my thought on the matter... made in his image, i think we do what he does (obviously his is a million times better) so just like when i forgive a person, i choose to put aside any grudges. i dont hold it against them whenever is see or talk to them. and the more i choose to ignore any recollection i have of what they may have done to me, the further it goes to the back of my mind. experience has taught me that it shows more love to be hurt and choose to forgive. so i guess thats what the scripture "love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8) implies somehow. sometimes it takes me ages to forgive a person, but layer by layer of love and forgiveness will build on that thing enough for me to get over it coz its a distant memory... if God is anything like me (lol), then perhaps God's infite love does eventually remove my sin from his infinite mind.
whether He forgets or willfully ignores, fact is: IM FORGIVEN
Thankyou Jesus!!
xx
"Once again you will have compassion on us. You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!" - Micah 7:19
Wednesday
Friends
God has always been faithful in providing me friends right when i needed them... just as im thinking about friendships, and why some people are in my life, and the process by which i became friends with people - i come across this which i found quite intersting:
i think these are Part 2 and Part 3
Elle
xx
1 Corinthians 12
Tuesday
People look up to me... Am I a worthy role model? This is my stop
Since I've been in London I just haven't been up to the task of being an active Christian (as in bearing all the responsibilty that comes with it- including maintaining a relationship). I felt like a passenger on a large Christian tube, i was just there. God knows exactly what I'm like as well, sometimes I need a shove to get back on track. He used Elle Naturelle yesterday to catch me out because I hadn't really spent much time with Him. Then today He made my cousin ask me all these random questions. To put this into context I have to briefly tell you about my cousin...
about a month ago he didn't believe in being born again, 3 weeks ago he had a near death experience and he says God spoke to him and gave him another chance so he surrendered to Christ; he went to canada and came back with swine flu. He was asking me where he stood with God and if God wanted him dead. After careful consideration I told him to read the story of Job, which he had done recently so that made it easier. He then thought about it and said 'Job must have wondered where he stood with God just as I am now, God is just testing me isn't He?'. I replied that it was more likely to be that than God wanting him dead. Then he said to me "that's why i asked you, you know these things, you're so pure".... That scared me half to death and I told Him I wasn't pure just trying to get closer to God.
The point is that I had no idea my cousin looked up to me like that and obviously I have more impact on his life than I realised before, who knows who else is looking up to me. God knows that seeing my cousin's faith increase would increase my own faith and make me fix up because I know he's watching me. As my pastor said on Sunday, Paul was so confident in his christian walk that he told the corinthians to imitate him, 1 Corinthians 4:14-16; I'm not at that stage yet but that should be my goal- not to actually say 'imitate me' but to be confident that if someone did imitate me they would be on the right track.
God often let's us just relax as a passenger on this Christian tube but eventually you have to stand on a platform that He will choose.
Sunday
where does my trust and confidence lie
i enjoyed my quiet time today...God kinda pulled together a few things he's been showing me over the last few days and it makes sense...like all my other lightbulb moments im excited. so i have to share it... it kinda stemed from one verse Jeremiah 17:7 and me wondering why two similar words are used in the same sentence.
When you throw a one year old baby in the air, he laughs because he knows you will catch him.... thats TRUST.... right now i feel like im in the air - not sure if im laughin, but im deep down i know God wont drop me... trust is vulnerable. it is dependent on relationship. it relies on values and ethics. as always i question myself when im challenged with a new idea...if im in the air so to speak, knowing that i cannot catch myself, i have no choice but to trust someone else to. so do i allow myself to relax and enjoy the free-fall or am i spending time worryin about how much pain im going to be in if i do hit the floor? the stronger my relationship with God, the less likely i am to try and figure out a plan B as a just incase... after my episode of fear the otherday i know I need to trust Him more. trust is related to faith, which needs to take the highest position. faith and fear are opposite - there's only room for one to take residence in my heart. i need to put my trust in God that He will do me no harm, and that my future is secure and planned out. it will work out.
a short story goes: one day, the villagers decided to pray for rain. on the day of prayer, everyone gathered and only one boy came with an umbrella... thats CONFIDENCE... im praying for an answer, direction, confirmation - anything about whats gona happen next. i trust him enough to ask, but do i have enough confidence that he will also deliver? the good chrisitan answer would be yes, but im working on my heart here... the answer may not arrive when or how i want the answer to be but i'll get it. i want to be like that one boy...it dawned on me the other day that when i ask God for somethin He usually will either say Yes and gives me wat i wanted or He says no and gives me somethin better, or He says wait and gives me what he had in mind which is obviously the best... im understandin that confidence on the other hand is put in someones skills or ability. confidence is set against achievement. in maths a formula can be used because it has been tried and tested - it shows that despite the figures substituted, the answer will be correct and can be accepted with confidence that the same result will be obtained even on repetition. to put it another way: i have confidence that the postman will deliver my mail everyday despite the weather. when repeated consistency is apparent, im more likely to be confident that they will not let me down if circumstances changed. so the bible says God doesnt change (Hebrews 13:8) so if He has shown himself to be faithful, merciful, kind, loving and all the rest of it up to this point, i can be confident that he will continue to be regardless of the situation, or my short-comings / impatience.
time to trust in God and put my confidence in Him
xx
"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him" - Jeremiah 17:7
Saturday
Degree? who would have thought it!
but it's been a struggle to translate that into real time
at parent- teacher meetings this was the famous caption
"your boy has potential but his problem is distraction,
he can talk for England, he doesn't pay attention,
the only place he seems not to talk is detention,
but he's a nice guy and a really polite kid"
my dad didn't wanna hear that he wants me to make him rich
when i got to college nothing much had changed
had the right motives but my commitment was the same
but for some reason despite my low grades
god found me a uni and i began to behave
although i was still the class clown for 3 years
in the fourth year that label suddenly disappeared
it's like someone flicked a switch in the left side of my brain
and i suddenly realised that uni is not a game
it was a learning curve disguised behind education
because the only thing i ever learnt to do was to be patient
i learnt to tame my tongue and not say all that's on my mind
and i learnt that not all things in life are meant to be defined
i found out that God must like playing practical jokes
because he scared me half to death by holding back my results
every other uni had received their marks
but my useless institution is the opposite of fast
when is this paper coming i can't take the questions
God stop keeping me in suspense unless it's for my own protection
and then i got a call saying have u got your post
i could've slapped the postman, i almost burnt my toast
"wat time do you call this?" i bellowed minutes later
the postman shrugged his sholders and left me with this piece of paper
i ripped it open hurriedly to end all the the suspense
but when i first saw it i wasn't too impressed
then people made me realise that i'm being ungrateful
i have a degree because God's been faithful
i shouldn't have made it to uni in the first place
so what right do i have to snarl at my grade
when all is said and done i have a good degree
i could get a job in ghana, spain or italy
glory to God for his infinite grace
and for using this vessel to complete this phase!
P.s * I didn't really bellow at the postman just thought it sounded funny lol*
Poetic Sunshine signing out
-`0 -
Friday
i admit it, i was scared
i went to bed still slightly panicing but with the thought: im goin to keep the telephone mind of my mind open to peace hope and love, and if any doubt anxiety or fear tries to call, it will get a busy signal. eventually i fell asleep around 2ish...i woke up 7am sharp, no alarm, no wake-up call, no nothing. my eyes just opened and immediately my heart started racing. got out of bed, did my whole morning routine, packed my bags, got in the car and drove. i dont remember anythin about the weather, the traffic, the route - nothing. i only know i did things because i wudnt be here now if i didnt, but my body was in automatic, my brain was occupied thinking. the rest is all a blur...
i arrived in bournemouth at 11, i had an hour to wait. for the past four hours i had worked myself into such a state. all previous plans to stay calm had gone out of the window. all scriptures had momentarily hibernated. false expectations appeared real - f.e.a.r. took over. my heart continued to work overtime, body temperature rising, my mind was churning thoughts that i knew i should have taken captive but somehow i didnt... 12 o'clock came. the door opened. it was like one of those out of body experiences. i knew what was happening, all i had to do was hand over my student card, get an envelope and read it. i managed the first 2 steps but i couldnt open it. i didnt want to know. i just stared at my name on the front. holding what seemingly could determine my future i walked to my car. emotions overwhelmed me. i felt so alone. time to phone my sisters. my body went into automatic again. i dont know how i got there. my eyes full of tears, i dont even know how i saw the road...i got to her and handed it over. she led me too a room, where i continued to break down. iv never been so scared in my life. what if i failed? what if i had to repeat the year? how am i gona tell people? i cant afford to get into more debt. im goin to disappoint so many people... question upon question, my mind was full to capacity... she opened it. she didnt tell me straight away. man it must not be good. they read it, i heard "okaaay". im wondering if they are trying to find a nice way of telling me. by this point im suprised my hyperventilation hasnt led to an asthma attack... they told me. i passed!! i cracked a smile. we laughed. i felt stupid for crying.
so today im reevaluating why i allowed all that to happen... the new questions in my head are why did i forget that my life is in God's hands? why did i contemplate the possibility of failing? why did i listen to the what-if lies? why did i worry i messed up when i know that no piece of paper can alter God's plan for my life? it didnt matter what my result was - God has the final say-so of my future. how could i have forgotten that? my faith faultered when the apprehensions came. i forgot to take a spiritual deep breath. in my moments of isolation i should have said a number of things to remind myself of who i am and where i stand in his sight. tears could have been easily avoided. i shouldnt let situations become like giants that make me feel like a grasshopper, and furthermore God should never be made an nonentity. it was all in my head. iv definately learnt that renewing of the mind has to happen a bit more often... Mind of Christ, Mind of Christ, Mind of Christ...
but anyway - Praise the Lord!! i have a degree!! who would have thought the uni-rollercoaster would come to an end?! results day definately was the grand finale firework display... I give my utmost thanks to my Father and King for everythin. for hearing my every tantrum, catchin my every tear, giving me strength to persevere, bein patinent with me every time i threatened to quit...the list is endless. God had me in his hand all the way through for real... Never would have made it without you, Jesus I love you!! and to all my friends and family who supported me to the very end and helped pull me through. words cannot express how grateful i am. i did my best and i hope i made you proud.
so the ink is not even dry on the degree box iv just ticked and mum has already mentioned that i should start praying for a husband... there's always somethin..."Next!"
Elle Naturelle
xx
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." - 2 Corinthians 10:5
Running for my life
i think its time i took more of a stand for what i believe in. so often its easier to be an undercover christian. i was kicking myself the few weeks ago after a conversation i had with this girl on my course. basically i mentioned that i went to church - to me it was nothing right, but she turned to me and was really shocked and said oh i didnt know you were a christian!! it struck me because this conversation was happening in the final weeks of our three year course. its sad that in the duration of that time i didnt cease a single opportunity to tell her anything about God at all. so much so that the very idea that im a christian could shock her. my thoughts today are challenging me. along this journey am i commited enough to the call to go right up to the frontline? i am very open about my faith when people ask, but i rarely start conversations. my justification previously has been that its better to live in such a way that will bear more of a witness. and to a certain degree i think iv done that, but now im thinking its time to take it up a notch. the things that iv learnt over my life of christian meetings and sunday services are not just for my benefit, i need to share it... Lord im gona need your help to do that btw!!
so anyway this clip below stirred me up, and its probably why im coming to these conclusions. yes God is good, merciful, gracious and all that but there really is more to christianity than the feel-good message that i have been accustomed to hearing. its not enough to go to church on sundays for the pastor to stoke my christian ego with fluffy words. i need to run out of this comfort zone im in. real life is happening out there. there is so much more than relaxed christianty. the things that i have been privaleged to see or hear have left me desiring more. the issues that i and the people around me are being faced with is waking me up to realise that this is not a battle for me to sit back and wait for others to step up to the plate. yes the end of the book says we win, but its time to make a stand on the territory God has given me... was saying to a friend the other day that i cant believe we r six months into the year already so much has happend and it amazing how far iv come. but now my outlook is i need to re-write my 2009 to-do list. iv got 6months left to accomplish more.
my latter will be greater
xx
"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." - 1 Timothy 6:12
Thursday
All His idea
every now and then i get this kind of anger deep within me. its hard to explain. its like i put my spiritual foot down and say no more. something rises on the inside and reminds me of who i am in Jesus and where my focus needs to be. im having one of those moments now... see my head has been all over the place recently. the events of life started to happen and i got momentarily sidetracked and silly me allowed myself to be a spiritually be like a dripping tap rather than a river if that makes sense. things started goin a bit crazy and im sitting there asking why when it was simply because i jumped back in the driving seat and was trying to take control... long story short: lesson learnt = im nothing without God. but along that short diversion i learnt a few things. every cloud really does have a silver lining - who knew.
the poem "im sick of being sorry" nearly brought me to tears the other day. it was exactly how i was feeling. i cant really say anymore, it speaks for itself. poetic sunshine is blessing me if no one else.lol... but as Donnie McKlurkin's song goes - we fall down, but we get up... i think the issue was that the last time i repented over my achilles heel, not that i didnt mean it, but i didnt make any conscious decisions to change or prevent reoccurence. but this time it was like im tired of hearing myself repent. yes i got back up, but im tired of falling in the same place. like how many times should i let my heart get bruised before i learn my lesson. jheez. im tired of getting back up, i want to avoid falling in the first place. and aside from what happened, it annoyed because i know that i know better... and exhale...so one of the amazing things about God's forgiveness is that He will point out what is wrong, but also offer a solution of how to make it right. so im currently on his 5-step programme. lol.
i was jus looking at Romans 8:38-39. It says that nothing can separate us from the love of God. its like i can go in circles looking for him all over the place, run from him or trying to hide, or even refuse him when i think my way is better. but whatever i do, he's stuck to me. i think on certain issues iv been as stubborn as Jonah and taking the long route on things. just as well noone hears me arguing with God - dont even know why i bother, he always wins.
oh yer i also had a refreshing thought that dropped in my heart: this is all his idea. he's not the alpha and the oops. he knows when im going to fall, and he knows when im going to come running back into his arms. my mistakes dont catch him off-guard. he knows the end from the beginning, there is nothing i can do that takes him back to the drawing-board to figure out how he needs to fix my mess... and about him being the omega - there is nothing that he started and left unfinished. its humbling to think that even with my mistakes, insecurities and all other junk to sort, i am a finished product. that i am already seated in heavenly places - Ephesians 2:6... i am complete in him - Colossians 2:10... iv often thought about all the scriptures that are written in the past tense - finally it hit me that its because its already completed. duhh. so if theres nothing he's put aside for later so why the heck am i waiting rather than living in it?? sigh...i'll get it in the end. im deciding to get out of the revolving doors that keep attacking my achilles heel. im rising up and saying enough is enough, i cant keep falling over the same thing. and i feel like God has given me a toolbox to see what im going to do about it. at the moment i feel empowered with my new understanding... lets see what happens...
I am more than a conqueror and I can do all things.
xx
"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you" - Isaiah 60:1
Monday
i'm sick of being sorry
Typical- the trash I watch, the friends I keep, the way I dress
I spend more time saying sorry than showing that I love you
My quiet time is noisy, sinful thoughts just interrupt you
I can't take this lying down I have 2 make a stand
I wanna be your right hand man and not some Peter Pan
Coz you’re trying to grow me up but I'm scared of the growing pains
So I hide in Never Never Land with Wendy playing childish games
And it's fair to say that on this quest I've become a lost boy
But you need me to stay on course and ride it out like Chris Hoy
Though I know who you are God and just what you've done
I still sin deliberately and disrespect Your son
Why do I do that? I'm not even having fun
But I've sown so many rotten seeds I have to reap some
And I'm bleeding inside coz I'm back to square one
And I hate what I'm doing coz I'm no longer young
Garbage in Garbage out, a really simple principle
So who I choose to hang with is a little more than critical
I'm sick of wallowing in my own mess like a pig
And I could have no complaints if I was cursed like the fig
I have the tools to fight temptation but I'm just too lazy
When Jesus has called me to bear good fruit on a daily basis
I don't want missing communion to become a habit
Coz I lost sight of salvation and mercy I failed to grab it
The kings of kings was tempted with all the things he hates
But he didn't crumble like the apple that Adam and Eve ate
Although they disobeyed and in essence sealed our fate
Christ conquered the prince of Hades and locked the main gate
Yet like a thief who's seen a ruby I try to enter through the window
Make excuses to cover up like "is that really a sin though?"
Our consciences convict us even if we never knew it
The word tells us if you’re not sure then just don't do it
You've got two choices only one of them is right
You either go to heaven or you burn like rice
Don't know about you but I'm so sick of being typical
Look! it's my curfew time's up on being pitiful
Time to respect myself and the author of miracles
Give myself a fighting chance of overcoming the physical- the flesh
Renew my spirit everyday so I feel fresh
No way can I succumb to this deadly cycle
The only way to escape this rat race is the Bible
I can't just be a hearer- knowledge on its own is worthless
I have to put what I hear into practice, that's how it serves its purpose
I now realise why I can't be mediocre
Heaven and hell are real this is not a game of poker
So I can bluff all I want but my God is not mocked
Is it possible for the incomprehensible to be stopped?
We don't understand all His plans so why defy them
I'm gonna stick with Him because no man is an island
We were designed in the image of Christ
But we're not 2D so we should mirror His whole life!
Real talk!
I think that's all I wanted to say!
Poetic sunshine signing out!
-`0 -
Hope you enjoy the sunshine!
Saturday
i am enough
the conversations i have been engaged in since news of MJ broke have been endless... they have made me think of a number of things like:
1) me and some friends got the news while in the cinema watching Hangover and as soon as we got out, even before we had full details of how he died, we were saying "have you heard...?" its both crazy and sad why it was so much easier to talk to random strangers about michael jackson, but yet i hesitate to share the gospel. Jesus Christ is still alive and more able to change peoples lives more thatn MJ did. surely thats good enough news to be spreading. i should be desperately telling random people about the King of Kings!!!
2) as tweeted by Kirk Franklin: am i living a life that will be missed? not that im looking for global recognition, but am i living each day as productively as i could be? am i living a life worthy of that which i have been called to? am i making an impact on other people's lives or situations that i engage in?
3) death is inevitable, i dont know how long im gona be around for... am i using the time i have wisely? am i using the spare moments i have to nurture the gift God has given me? i think for a while i had just put what i have on a shelf so to speak, and am just waiting for the right moment to use it. but these last few days have made me think that this time is for me to prepare and practice how to use it. people generally dont show up on stage unrehearsed, i cant expect to be like bamm amazing just like that. people who influence others know where their talents lie and turn that potential in to action. i like the quote: "what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson.
so im turning a new page with the realisation that the extent to which i can achieve what i put my mind to is dependent on my own comprehension of how adequate i am. i dont really know when i came to this conclusion, but i do know that its about time i stopped listening to or allowing other peoples opinions of me to shape my own concepts of myself. im freeing myself from the need to be understood. for too long i have felt that i have to explain my actions or thoughts. i have been subject to a mentality that caused me to feel below what i have been created to be. and by staying bound to such processes i am not benefiting my own life or allowing myself to used by God to help others. reality is that God designed me. in thinking low of myself i'm indirectly telling Him that He didnt do such a good job. "I am enough" is my phrase of the week as i re-educate my mind. Yes i still have my character and personality flaws, but im workin on them. Yes i may fall short and slip up from time to time, but i am still adequate in His sight because of the blood, and if for nothing else, i am grateful. Jesus didnt pay a price for me to feel sorry for myself and leave what he bought to gather dust on a shelf.
Elle Naturelle
xx
Wednesday
Coffee in the Morning is coming soon
man i av a few things on my heart to blog about but doesnt look like ima get much time this week. its day two shooting Michaela: The Poet's video... check out her myspace
Elle Naturelle
xx
"Search for the Lord, and for his strength, and keep on searching" - Psalm 105:4
Sunday
donkey donkey donkey
as i always say, God is too good to me. at such a time as this, He has surrounded me with such amazing people that really encourage and build me up, sometimes even without realising it. sometimes i got through things that even before i get to tell anyone, someone will say something that just answers my question or confirms the direction i need to go in. i am so blessed to know people of like minds, with the same vision and heart for God.
so i was talkin to one of these friends of mine like last week. he said something to me, that i didnt exactly brush off, it just took a lil longer to sink in. the comment was along the lines of read a book on whatever i'm going through... at the moment there are a few things happening that i dont know exactly where to start though - so mehh the Bible is always good so there i was in Genesis 22 and who knew there was so much in verses 3-5!! it reads: "Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. 4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. 5 He said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you." .... i'v read, heard and even spoken about this story so many times, but yesterday it got me excited... i feel like im at a place where God is saying its not what i do but how i do it. Abraham definately led by example. here's my 3 observations:
a) when he had all that he needed he set out to do what God told him... previously its been like i was at a red traffic light, God started speaking to me which turned it red+ amber, but instead of waiting for the green to come i speed off but the cars infront of me hadnt cleared the crossing so i ended up in a collision. now im at an amber light of preparation. im finding that biting point, but the handbrake is still on. if i dont proceed with caution trouble can still cross my path. God hasnt given me the green light - yet. but i know that green light is coming then will i go to that place God told me about. its time i cut the wood i need, coz i need to arrive with everythin i need - theres no wood up there.
b) this is probably the funniest bit. God's sense of humour shines through... "stay here with the donkey". now the servants had travelled wid Abraham and Isaac for three days. i would have been like ermmm thats a bit out of order mate, iv come this far to stay with some donkeys?! but who knows what would have happened if they had gone all the way up the hill - there could av been a fight and Abraham ended up on that altar if the servants tried to be heroes and save Isaac. its open to speculation but it made me realise that there are some people with me on this journey that can only travel with me so far. some might not understand why i worship or pray or even live the way i do and may think that my thoughts and actions are pointless. as harsh as it is i cant let such people get in the way and prevent me from doing wat i gotta do. sometimes it aite to tell people to stay with the donkey.
c) he said "WE will come back to you". my faith is being provoked on this. most times when the test comes, i have to start praying to build myself up to a position of faith where i know God will come through in the end. rarely is it that right from the start i can say with certainty that i know what God will do, or how the situation will turn out. i want to get to that point of knowing that even if i have to lay down one thing on this altar, the reward for my obedience will be worth it, and God is able to resurrect it if He wants to.
fink im gona watch Shrek now.
xx
Thursday
wow!
Jeremaiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Habakkuk 2:3- For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.
These verses are the very basis on which this blog was created initially by Elle Naturelle but they have never been so real to me.
Just like her, I have been feeling like a bit of a bum as I had no idea what I was going to do after Uni and I still don't have a summer job yet! I had been praying for clarity and direction with no answer as yet. This was until last night when the proverbial scales were removed from my eyes! When people say there's no such thing as coincidence they are right, God plans everything we do! Yesterday I had been invited to eat dinner with some friends but they cancelled in the afternoon. I then bummed around for most of the day and around 7pm decided to get some food from the town centre. While I was there I met two of my friends who reminded me about the campus fellowship which started at 7:30pm. I ended up getting some fast food and jumping on the bus straight from town. I was inspired during the meeting and when we were saying the closing prayers the Pastor stopped mid-sentence and said she wanted to talk to me after the service because she had a word for me. I spoke to her and she told me that she saw the word 'publish' and that God wants me to write a book to inspire his people. I found this amazing as the week before my friend Claire had sent me an e-mail about a Masters in publishing at LCC and it seemed interesting so I downloaded the application form on tuesday.
This is definitely a confirmation that I should do the publishing course and so now when people ask me what are you doing next year I can say I'm doing a publishing masters. BE ENCOURAGED! Your vision is coming it's just waiting for thee appointed time.
Thank you Lord,
Your timing is always the best.
Poetic Sunshine -`0 -
Monday
follow nakawunde
i was saying to one of my girls today is that this online, BB, instant messaging habit we are getting into is slowly becomin OTT. its encrouching on our fone conversations. soon we wont be able to talk to one another face to face because the cyber picture we've built up of one another is so different that we forget how to communicate in good old fashioned ways and a normal chit chat will feel wierd. sad. alright so im exaggeratin i kno, but think about it, i do av a point, im jus too tired to explain it any further rite now.
ok enuf of that rant. i dont really av two birds legs to stand on seeing as i just joined in and am now on twitter!! see all this spare time on my hands - boredom makes you join pointless online social networks. which was all i really wanted to but forgot to say in my last post... www.twitter.com/nakawunde
Tweet the Truth
xx
