Love ... Knowlegde + Judgement

We had a moment. He told me that he loved me. I just looked at him. I heard the clock ticking in the background... this could either be really agonising for him as he hoped to hear the usual 'i love you too' statement volleyed back to him, or it could be a time for him to wonder if i would accept the nicely wrapped present of what he thought i wanted to hear. seconds passed as thoughts and questions filled my mind... How could he lie straight to my face? Can he truely think that i would realy believe him just like that? the words he uttered were as significant to me as offering a liver to someone who needed a kidney transplant. its not that i didnt want to accept what should be a heartfelt statement, but in the same moments he said those words i realised something - he cant love me.

WAIT!! for years i had longed to hear those words, but in seconds i rejected them?! whats wrong with me? i guess its because iv been here before. it took too much time to recover from the last heartache to dive back into another hot mess without precaution. premature love is not for me - i dont need to learn that lesson again.

For someone to say "i love you" the words are only meaningful when that person has a certain amount of knowledge about me. obviously their efforts to get to know me can be hindered by how much i trust them and allow them to know me... so in hearing him say that he loves me, i questioned what he actually knows about me that he could really love. does he love just one aspect of me? does he love the representative of me that always tries to impress him whenever we meet? without goin into my own version of 50cent's song '21 Questions' - if he saw me at my worst (looking or behaved) would he love me then?

Love also comes with judgement. because after finding out about all my failings, weaknesses and shortcomings, a decision has to be made as to whether he likes me enough to stick around. whether he can look past all of that and still love who i am despite of all of that... There is only one that can say they truely love me, God my Father. He alone knows me inside out, and yet still choses to love me eternally and unconditionally. its a concept that blows my mind everytime i think about it. there are few people on this earth that when they say they love me, i can actually accept it. (but even with them, I know their love is dependent on something, and at any point they could stop loving me beit my fault or not) ... so on hearing these words i wondered whether i could allow this person to join that elite group. I wanted more than just words, more than just an appropriate comment for our current relationship. i wanted him to seriously understand what he was saying, and i wanted him to get that it required corresponding action to give weight and meaning to the statement he was making. i wanted him to know that should he ever hear me say it back to him, i would mean it from the depths of my being... ok so my definition of love may not be complete or as mature as another persons, but i would love him the best way i know how, and would be willing to invest all of myself and watch that love grow.

Love. its a big topic.
xx

"We love because he first loved us." - 1 John 4:19

Mummy i think im famous!!

so i've been away for a bit... since getting back i had a lot of spiritual food to chew on and understand before i write about it... the process was kinda rushed because IGOC starts today and gotta keep on the move, had to deal with that stuff so I can be open to recieve what God has instore for this conference... (checkout the website and feel free to join us).

There was once a little donkey who ran home one evening to his mum, excited to tell her about the adventures of the day. "mummy! mummy! remember how the other day i was crying because noone wanted to sit on me, and i thought no one wanted me? well, mummy, you'll never guess what happened to me today! two men came and got me and took me to Jerusalem. they put their coats on me, and even laid their clothes and palm branches on the ground for me to walk on! everyone was cheering and clapping and dancing and waving at me. everyone was so happy to see me! Mummy i think im famous!!" he said. Now the mum donkey had to calm him down and gently tell him "my darling, yes they screamed and shouted and waved, but it wasnt for you. all of it was for the one you were carrying into Jerusalem."

its a humbling thought to think of myself as a donkey, but this story based on Luke 19 illustrates what worship is. verse 34 reads : "And they said, The Lord has need of it." Just as the donkey was needed to carry Jesus, we (the church) are needed to lift him up in worship. its not about me at all. the clapping, cheering, dancing, singing should all point to Him. if that donkey had gone buck wild and distracted the crowd it would have subtracted from the whole point of Jesus riding into Jerusalem. the focus was not on how loud the cheering was, how expensive the clothes on the ground were, how beautiful the harmonies sang were, or even the little donkey that had never been sat on.

At the heart of the Kingdom is the King. Worship Him.
xx

why hasnt this song ever left me

I know this is probably the strangest thing i mite ever say, but i think i wrote a song. ok let me explain... i dont remember who taught me it, or where i heard it, but on one occassion years ago i learnt this song. since that one time, iv remembered the melody, the lyrics and everything - but i cant find anyone else that knows it, tried googling the lyrics and nothing comes up, and for nearly ten years now ive never heard it anywhere again... and so if i dont get any decent claims to it, im accepting and drawing the conclusion, maybe i wrote it.lol... its a worship song - maybe the Holy Spirit dropped it in me during worship, and i was too young to understand so it got engraved in my mind. maybe i just made it up - who knows. either way its really begining to bug me now. the song keep popping up in my head regularly and i have no idea why. im not even exaggerating when i say that over the last month its been on my mind more than twice a week for different periods of time...the lyrics are quite simple, and it only has one verse showing im not a great songwriter. but here it is (mayb i'll sing it to ya one day.lol):

What can my heart render,
in your courts oh Lord?
What can i present to you,
to display my joy?
See the angels gather,
around your throne oh Lord.
"Holy God, Almighty"
we will sing in awe

(chorus)
Let me sing to you,
my new song for you.
Let my voice be true,
oh Spirit come,
accept all the worship due,
Glory belongs to you.

Let me honour you,
give my best for you,
Let my voice be true,
oh Spirit come,
accept all the worship due,
Glory belongs to you.

Hanging out with my friend Jesus

Im back from Soul Survivor!! even to say it was amazing is an understatement. God is so real. God is phenomenon that i cant really describe, but highly recommend... i got so much out of my time at the conference that im not really sure where to start blogging. Revelational lightbulbs exploded in my head in the teaching/ seminars. my favourite bit has to be the moments spent with my King in deep worship. I still havent got controlling the flow of tears down yet - for some reason everytime i hear God speak to me, tears choose to fill my eyes. its emotional mehn... i made sure i scribbled down the important stuff in my notebook. will prob go thru them one by one over the next couple of blogs. for now here's one of the songs that definately ushered us into the presence of God (obviously the live, Soul survivor version was better than the slideshow, but here it is) :

SoUL SurVIvor!!

this is so exciting... im going to soul survivor 2mw... ahhhh!!
check the website. God is on the move, and im glad to be part of the movement.
Permission granted for God to have His way. im takin all limits off, do ur thang Lord!!

Bring it on Jesus, i want more!!
xx

"You do not have, because you do not ask God" - James 4:2

learn somethin new every day

every now n then i read the word 4u 2day. today it says:

"You might recall the name Isaac Newton as 'that bloke who is famous for having an apple fall on his head', but there's more to the story than that! Newton was the first person to be able to explain things we now take for granted, such as the way we are all subject to the Laws of Gravity and the Three Laws of Motion. But Newton might never have published his work had it not been for another science-dude called Edmond Halley. A well-respected boffin in his own right, Halley visited Newton at Cambridge to discuss a problem he was working on, only to discover that Newton had already solved it. Halley encouraged Newton to publish his work, and even offered to do it for him at his own expense. The result was the publication of the snazzily titled Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica in 1687, which laid the groundwork for the future study of mathematics and changed the way people see the world. You may not have the brain of Isaac Newton but you do have the heart of Edmond Halley, a heart that wants to encourage your mates to do great things. Who has God put into your life to cheer on, raise up, or help on their journey? This much is true: when you help other people to do the things God created them to do, you have the satisfaction of sharing in their success."

iv recently started looking for jobs...yes, me! i can barely believe it. its quite a weird experience, sending off pieces of paper for people to scrutinize over and ultimately help or hinder me in my career path... i havent yet got a job, but in all things i give thanks. and this morning its to those(you know who you are) who have encouraged me to apply and keep going coz this mind-numbing experience will be worth it in the end... even Newton needed a lil push in the right direction.

friends - gotta love 'em
xx

"Worry is a heavy load, but a kind word cheers you up" - Proverbs 12:25

Everything to Me

The choice

"Choosing to side with God's Word is a continual challenge. Its not something you do just once. It's a process of choosing to believe and act upon it over and over in every circumstance"

That right there is probably the easiest, but often what i find to be the hardest part of this journey. take last night for example, two friends completely threw a spanner in the works in terms of plans i have been making for my future. when i found out their decision, my initial reaction on the phone was not a reflection of how i felt. 75% of me was stirring up verbal slap in revenge of the gut-punching feeling i had recieved; but somehow the 25% of me that thought it was better to keep quiet won ... Years ago i chose Jesus. i wanted him to be Lord over my life, to rule and reign in every area. But that really wasnt a one time decision. i frequently say 'everything happens for a reason' - which is sometimes my way of screaming 'i av no idea whats goin on here! Father what are you up to?!' i need to remember that the current situation is just one piece of the puzzle but He can see the whole jigsaw. even though my brain struggles to understand it at times, I know His way is the best and He has everything in control... sigh, it will work out

So today, i choose to live by His Word.
i choose to walk by faith.
i choose Him.

"Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve" - Joshua 24:15

Life's too short to ignore warnings, it could cost you your eternity

Fatherless generation!

“I’m worried, I’m angry- someone needs to try harder,
What use is it to say nothing? it’s like soap that will not lather,
Look Billie Jean I’m not Luke’s father, but Yes I’m still concerned,
I’ve watched him grow up all these years I’m not gonna watch him burn,
I can see a light at the end of the tunnel all he has to do is turn;
A new leaf that is, and drop these habits, a point of no return:
He has so much potential but his friends lead him astray,
Typical story in this era but change begins today!”

{Luke is the kind of guy that grew up without a real hero,
Don’t get me wrong he DOES know his dad but Ricky is a zero;
At the age of 53 he’s still hoping to be signed
When he’s not promoting mixtapes he’s out there on the grind
Selling weed and bootleg DVD’s a life that lacks a purpose,
Sad but true that when you have no goals your life can become worthless,
I pray that won’t be Luke because his talent’s not a fluke,
Artistically inclined- he writes, he paints, he plays the flute;
If he stays in education he can achieve so much,
But who’s around to tell him this when I am out of touch,
He used to come to youth group and we would have debates
But yesterday on the High street he didn’t recognise my face?
He’s obviously not interested, maybe I shouldn’t bother
But wait he needs a father figure that’s what we can offer;
He needs to come back to the church where he can be inspired,
He’ll change from Luke-warm into hot if he can catch the fire
Then he’ll realise he has a purpose, there’s a plan tailored for him
And the boys that he looks up to will be there to mentor him!
Yeah that’s a good plan but I need to get him here
He likes that girl Sophia maybe she could be a dear?}

“Like I was saying Billie Jean, don’t let him waste his youth,
I know you’re praying daily- introduce him to the truth,
But if he doesn’t listen to you I have another plan,
We can’t let him waste his gifting he could be a great man,
And plus the Lord wants to use him so he’ll get him anyway,
But the damage can be reduced if He gets hold of him today!”

Bille Jean talking:
“Sunshine, what you say is true and we should be concerned
Because in this world we live in far away from God we turned,
And if we are not careful and we don’t correct our offspring,
Then the generation after them will know nothing but sin!
So I make a stand today that I’m gonna make a change,
Put more effort into raising Luke and make sure he behaves.

To anyone who’s reading this and trying to live for Christ,
Remember, you’ve been shown the light so you can help the blind,
Don’t give up on the Lukes you know, and live a holy life,
Because they don’t want to hear your story; they want to see it LIVE!