Change is here

So the layout background and everything has changed... its a combination of i did it coz i wanted to and also i dont have a job right now so wat better way to spend an hour. lol... i was wondering who actually reads this blog to even notice, but turns out there's a few people secretly following...so to those who have made themselves know - i hope u like it, if not say so. and to those who havent revealed their identities - please do so then tell me what u think :-)

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" - 2 Corinthians 5:17

i have no church... and those ones are are wierd

Contrary to some people's belief church isn't the place where Fun goes to die... this morning i was reading about how Jesus flipped out and started tearing the place apart when he found out that people were buying and selling things in his Fathers house (Mark 11:15-). there are other scriptures where Jesus basically told people they were super-religious on the outside but deep down they were hypocrites and full of wickedness (Mattew 23:27-28). so this church issue has been goin on for years. what is church? and which one is the right one?

about a week ago i was driving with 2 friends in bournemouth and we passed a building that deemed itself a church. in my opinion the name of the church sounded like it had some kind of cult involvement, and in my friends opinion the roof of the building looked like they were involved in some sort of witchcraft. ok so on one hand it can be argued that we were being judgemental and blah blah you cant judge a book by its cover and blah blah you dont know till you've been inside... on the other hand i think in this day and age its important to use some wisdom and discernment in everything. they may be seeing the most powerful move of God of this century right inside those four walls - but i know i personally wont be entering to find out. call me what you will. there are so many people calling themselves christians. so many different forms of chrisitanity and so many different types of churches these days that its becoming difficult to distinguish which is real chrisianity. one thing i do know is fake christianity doesnt last long. those involved may even seem to prosper for a while, but soon something happens and as quickly as the movement started, it ends. God's word, like himself, is the same yesterday today and forever so anything based on it should last.

i recently heard about an art exhibition in Glasgow. basically its about people de-facing the Bible. the so called artists decided it would be a good idea to let people write whatever they felt like directly onto the pages of the Bible. encouraging people to engage in disrespectful, offensive and blaspheming nonsense is wrong on so many levels... then as if that isnt bad enough to find out that it has been done by the Metropolitan Community Church disgusts me to the core. what kind of church allows anything to be done to their holy book? how can a religion lose respect for the words from their own God? highlighting and underlining scriptures is one thing but this is taking it over-board. these people will pay for this - theres no doubt about it. (oh btw if anyone sees any form of petition against this please post it below, im gona try find one too)... to echo a spokesman for the catholic church: “one wonders whether the organisers would have been quite as willing to have the Koran defaced.” arrrgghhh even blogging about it is making me angry...

right now im kinda church-less. my bournemouth church was beyond fantastic. i felt like i was growing spiritually, the worship, the teaching, and the fellowship was great. i felt so accepted and at home - just wat i needed in my final year of uni ... now im back in london im in some sort of church-transition mode. i dont feel like im part of the church i used to attend here. its not that theres anything wrong with the worship or docrtine, im just not sure if thats where God wants me. maybe its because i havent attended it consistently for four years but for some reason it doesnt seem like my church anymore. everything has changed, there are so many new faces - and it really bugs me when people ask me if its my fisrt time visiting, i feel like screaming "excuse me, i grew up in this church, who are u?" self-control is actually a good gift to nurture. maybe i just need to get re-plugged back in, get to know the lovely newbies/ maybe i need to find a new church? im praying about it.

one things for sure if i do end up finding a new church for the sake of my salvation yes i will be skceptical. just because someone calls himself a pastor or bishop or apostle doesnt mean i should sit under their teaching or even give them my money. im lookin for the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. i dont need a watered-down description of it. i want my own encounter with Jesus and if a church cant lead me to Him, then its not for me. my point of view is that if faith can come by hearing then i need to be careful what or who im listening to coz by the same process unbelief, fear, or some random doctrine can also enter and two-twos a person ends up starting a stupid exhibition.

If what im hearing in church doesnt line up with whats in my Bible, im gona question it
Elle Naturelle
xx

"And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near" - Hebrews 10:25

WOW... looks like it's back to the drawing board!

Today's sermon at church was by a young elder who I had been speaking to earlier this week about how much rubbish is on TV (although we both admitted to liking Desperate Housewives).
This sermon was about Loving God which I thought I was pretty good at until he destroyed me. He started by drawing the congregation's attention to Matthew 22:34-40 where Jesus summarises the greatest commandment as Loving God and the second as loving your neighbours.

The preacher reiterated that love is shown through actions and as Jesus said in that same passage, that means with all your mind, with all your heart, soul and strength. He broke all these down using the context matched with the original greek meanings which had been translated.

To cut a long story short, it was deep! It was as if someone had punched my face.... I was thinking 'oh, maybe this love thing isn't as easy as i thought....'. I also realised that in actual fact to my complete horror I do not love God... I like Him a lot but in order to love Him I must give more of my heart, my psyche, my passions, my time, my energy, my thoughts, my desires, my dreams... the list goes on. Although in everything I do He is at the back of my mind, it's not good enough, He should be at the foreront of mind and I have been commanded to love Him with all my heart (not the flesh coz that's impossible but the centre of my being, my very core).

So on this new found knowledge that I don't love God what am I going to do about it? Well first I have to pray and ask for forgiveness for paying such little attention to the author and finisher of our faith.... then I need change my schedule to suit God rather than myself... I haven't been making enough effort to do that. It's going to be difficult but I have to start somewhere.

Check yourself to make sure that your not like me! Your actions must speak louder than your words or it's just lip service!

Bye for now

-`0 -

God's Mental Capacity

Went to Ruach Youth Conference last nite with a few friends (and yes i kno im 22 and not really a youth anymore, but im hanging onto the last threads of it). But anyway, there we are sitting and waiting for the evening to start and my bestest turned to me and said something along the lines of "God is alll-knowing, He cant forget"... it blew my mind!! all these years iv been thinking God cant remember all the bad stuff i've done because i said sorry - now to find this out i had a tidal wave of condemnation trying to flow over my mind. But the evening started and i didnt have time to jump into my prayer closet about this matter which seemed to be shaking a fundamental belief on forgiveness...So this mornin i was up doin my research and here's a brief snippet of what ive learnt:

God is infinate, the One who created all things, and He knows the past and future. The bible says that when we repent, He will not remember our sins (Isaiah 43:25)... and this is the scripture i jus took at facevalue. in my mind it was like repentance gave God some sort of forgiveness related amnesia so he could do the whole "forgive and forget" milarky.... but how can an all-knowing God do that? i dug deeper on definitions. In English, remembering and forgetting are opposites. to remember, being recalling memories and bringing ideas into thoughts; and forgetting is failing to do these these mental activities. But the Hebrew word for forget also means to neglect, ignore, forsake or willfully act in disregard to a person or covenant. It is to act as though you have forgotten. Im not saying God pretends, but rather puts it to one side so to speak

i remember an analogy that a sunday-school teacher once told me: everytime i say sorry God throws that sin into a huge pond that has a sign that reads 'no fishing!'... iv heard others call it a sea of forgetfullness (which btw iv just found out isnt actually scripture! who knew?! the idea comes from Micah 7:19)... are these mushy stories to make us feel better? is it possible that God has a delete button in his mind? how can he choose not to remember something and yet not lose it from his memory? what is God's mental capacity? i dont have an answer - (theories or suggestions below pls). but heres my thought on the matter... made in his image, i think we do what he does (obviously his is a million times better) so just like when i forgive a person, i choose to put aside any grudges. i dont hold it against them whenever is see or talk to them. and the more i choose to ignore any recollection i have of what they may have done to me, the further it goes to the back of my mind. experience has taught me that it shows more love to be hurt and choose to forgive. so i guess thats what the scripture "love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8) implies somehow. sometimes it takes me ages to forgive a person, but layer by layer of love and forgiveness will build on that thing enough for me to get over it coz its a distant memory... if God is anything like me (lol), then perhaps God's infite love does eventually remove my sin from his infinite mind.

whether He forgets or willfully ignores, fact is: IM FORGIVEN
Thankyou Jesus!!
xx

"Once again you will have compassion on us. You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!" - Micah 7:19

Friends

God has always been faithful in providing me friends right when i needed them... just as im thinking about friendships, and why some people are in my life, and the process by which i became friends with people - i come across this which i found quite intersting:



i think these are Part 2 and Part 3

Elle
xx

1 Corinthians 12

People look up to me... Am I a worthy role model? This is my stop

Since I've been in London I just haven't been up to the task of being an active Christian (as in bearing all the responsibilty that comes with it- including maintaining a relationship). I felt like a passenger on a large Christian tube, i was just there. God knows exactly what I'm like as well, sometimes I need a shove to get back on track. He used Elle Naturelle yesterday to catch me out because I hadn't really spent much time with Him. Then today He made my cousin ask me all these random questions. To put this into context I have to briefly tell you about my cousin...

about a month ago he didn't believe in being born again, 3 weeks ago he had a near death experience and he says God spoke to him and gave him another chance so he surrendered to Christ; he went to canada and came back with swine flu. He was asking me where he stood with God and if God wanted him dead. After careful consideration I told him to read the story of Job, which he had done recently so that made it easier. He then thought about it and said 'Job must have wondered where he stood with God just as I am now, God is just testing me isn't He?'. I replied that it was more likely to be that than God wanting him dead. Then he said to me "that's why i asked you, you know these things, you're so pure".... That scared me half to death and I told Him I wasn't pure just trying to get closer to God.

The point is that I had no idea my cousin looked up to me like that and obviously I have more impact on his life than I realised before, who knows who else is looking up to me. God knows that seeing my cousin's faith increase would increase my own faith and make me fix up because I know he's watching me. As my pastor said on Sunday, Paul was so confident in his christian walk that he told the corinthians to imitate him, 1 Corinthians 4:14-16; I'm not at that stage yet but that should be my goal- not to actually say 'imitate me' but to be confident that if someone did imitate me they would be on the right track.

God often let's us just relax as a passenger on this Christian tube but eventually you have to stand on a platform that He will choose.

where does my trust and confidence lie

i enjoyed my quiet time today...God kinda pulled together a few things he's been showing me over the last few days and it makes sense...like all my other lightbulb moments im excited. so i have to share it... it kinda stemed from one verse Jeremiah 17:7 and me wondering why two similar words are used in the same sentence.

When you throw a one year old baby in the air, he laughs because he knows you will catch him.... thats TRUST.... right now i feel like im in the air - not sure if im laughin, but im deep down i know God wont drop me... trust is vulnerable. it is dependent on relationship. it relies on values and ethics. as always i question myself when im challenged with a new idea...if im in the air so to speak, knowing that i cannot catch myself, i have no choice but to trust someone else to. so do i allow myself to relax and enjoy the free-fall or am i spending time worryin about how much pain im going to be in if i do hit the floor? the stronger my relationship with God, the less likely i am to try and figure out a plan B as a just incase... after my episode of fear the otherday i know I need to trust Him more. trust is related to faith, which needs to take the highest position. faith and fear are opposite - there's only room for one to take residence in my heart. i need to put my trust in God that He will do me no harm, and that my future is secure and planned out. it will work out.

a short story goes: one day, the villagers decided to pray for rain. on the day of prayer, everyone gathered and only one boy came with an umbrella... thats CONFIDENCE... im praying for an answer, direction, confirmation - anything about whats gona happen next. i trust him enough to ask, but do i have enough confidence that he will also deliver? the good chrisitan answer would be yes, but im working on my heart here... the answer may not arrive when or how i want the answer to be but i'll get it. i want to be like that one boy...it dawned on me the other day that when i ask God for somethin He usually will either say Yes and gives me wat i wanted or He says no and gives me somethin better, or He says wait and gives me what he had in mind which is obviously the best... im understandin that confidence on the other hand is put in someones skills or ability. confidence is set against achievement. in maths a formula can be used because it has been tried and tested - it shows that despite the figures substituted, the answer will be correct and can be accepted with confidence that the same result will be obtained even on repetition. to put it another way: i have confidence that the postman will deliver my mail everyday despite the weather. when repeated consistency is apparent, im more likely to be confident that they will not let me down if circumstances changed. so the bible says God doesnt change (Hebrews 13:8) so if He has shown himself to be faithful, merciful, kind, loving and all the rest of it up to this point, i can be confident that he will continue to be regardless of the situation, or my short-comings / impatience.

time to trust in God and put my confidence in Him
xx

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him" - Jeremiah 17:7

Degree? who would have thought it!

I've always been quite a determined guy in my mind
but it's been a struggle to translate that into real time
at parent- teacher meetings this was the famous caption
"your boy has potential but his problem is distraction,
he can talk for England, he doesn't pay attention,
the only place he seems not to talk is detention,
but he's a nice guy and a really polite kid"
my dad didn't wanna hear that he wants me to make him rich
when i got to college nothing much had changed
had the right motives but my commitment was the same
but for some reason despite my low grades
god found me a uni and i began to behave
although i was still the class clown for 3 years
in the fourth year that label suddenly disappeared
it's like someone flicked a switch in the left side of my brain
and i suddenly realised that uni is not a game
it was a learning curve disguised behind education
because the only thing i ever learnt to do was to be patient
i learnt to tame my tongue and not say all that's on my mind
and i learnt that not all things in life are meant to be defined
i found out that God must like playing practical jokes
because he scared me half to death by holding back my results
every other uni had received their marks
but my useless institution is the opposite of fast
when is this paper coming i can't take the questions
God stop keeping me in suspense unless it's for my own protection
and then i got a call saying have u got your post
i could've slapped the postman, i almost burnt my toast
"wat time do you call this?" i bellowed minutes later
the postman shrugged his sholders and left me with this piece of paper
i ripped it open hurriedly to end all the the suspense
but when i first saw it i wasn't too impressed
then people made me realise that i'm being ungrateful
i have a degree because God's been faithful
i shouldn't have made it to uni in the first place
so what right do i have to snarl at my grade
when all is said and done i have a good degree
i could get a job in ghana, spain or italy
glory to God for his infinite grace
and for using this vessel to complete this phase!

P.s * I didn't really bellow at the postman just thought it sounded funny lol*

Poetic Sunshine signing out

-`0 -

i admit it, i was scared

i went to bed still slightly panicing but with the thought: im goin to keep the telephone mind of my mind open to peace hope and love, and if any doubt anxiety or fear tries to call, it will get a busy signal. eventually i fell asleep around 2ish...i woke up 7am sharp, no alarm, no wake-up call, no nothing. my eyes just opened and immediately my heart started racing. got out of bed, did my whole morning routine, packed my bags, got in the car and drove. i dont remember anythin about the weather, the traffic, the route - nothing. i only know i did things because i wudnt be here now if i didnt, but my body was in automatic, my brain was occupied thinking. the rest is all a blur...

i arrived in bournemouth at 11, i had an hour to wait. for the past four hours i had worked myself into such a state. all previous plans to stay calm had gone out of the window. all scriptures had momentarily hibernated. false expectations appeared real - f.e.a.r. took over. my heart continued to work overtime, body temperature rising, my mind was churning thoughts that i knew i should have taken captive but somehow i didnt... 12 o'clock came. the door opened. it was like one of those out of body experiences. i knew what was happening, all i had to do was hand over my student card, get an envelope and read it. i managed the first 2 steps but i couldnt open it. i didnt want to know. i just stared at my name on the front. holding what seemingly could determine my future i walked to my car. emotions overwhelmed me. i felt so alone. time to phone my sisters. my body went into automatic again. i dont know how i got there. my eyes full of tears, i dont even know how i saw the road...i got to her and handed it over. she led me too a room, where i continued to break down. iv never been so scared in my life. what if i failed? what if i had to repeat the year? how am i gona tell people? i cant afford to get into more debt. im goin to disappoint so many people... question upon question, my mind was full to capacity... she opened it. she didnt tell me straight away. man it must not be good. they read it, i heard "okaaay". im wondering if they are trying to find a nice way of telling me. by this point im suprised my hyperventilation hasnt led to an asthma attack... they told me. i passed!! i cracked a smile. we laughed. i felt stupid for crying.

so today im reevaluating why i allowed all that to happen... the new questions in my head are why did i forget that my life is in God's hands? why did i contemplate the possibility of failing? why did i listen to the what-if lies? why did i worry i messed up when i know that no piece of paper can alter God's plan for my life? it didnt matter what my result was - God has the final say-so of my future. how could i have forgotten that? my faith faultered when the apprehensions came. i forgot to take a spiritual deep breath. in my moments of isolation i should have said a number of things to remind myself of who i am and where i stand in his sight. tears could have been easily avoided. i shouldnt let situations become like giants that make me feel like a grasshopper, and furthermore God should never be made an nonentity. it was all in my head. iv definately learnt that renewing of the mind has to happen a bit more often... Mind of Christ, Mind of Christ, Mind of Christ...

but anyway - Praise the Lord!! i have a degree!! who would have thought the uni-rollercoaster would come to an end?! results day definately was the grand finale firework display... I give my utmost thanks to my Father and King for everythin. for hearing my every tantrum, catchin my every tear, giving me strength to persevere, bein patinent with me every time i threatened to quit...the list is endless. God had me in his hand all the way through for real... Never would have made it without you, Jesus I love you!! and to all my friends and family who supported me to the very end and helped pull me through. words cannot express how grateful i am. i did my best and i hope i made you proud.

so the ink is not even dry on the degree box iv just ticked and mum has already mentioned that i should start praying for a husband... there's always somethin..."Next!"

Elle Naturelle
xx

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." - 2 Corinthians 10:5

Running for my life

i think its time i took more of a stand for what i believe in. so often its easier to be an undercover christian. i was kicking myself the few weeks ago after a conversation i had with this girl on my course. basically i mentioned that i went to church - to me it was nothing right, but she turned to me and was really shocked and said oh i didnt know you were a christian!! it struck me because this conversation was happening in the final weeks of our three year course. its sad that in the duration of that time i didnt cease a single opportunity to tell her anything about God at all. so much so that the very idea that im a christian could shock her. my thoughts today are challenging me. along this journey am i commited enough to the call to go right up to the frontline? i am very open about my faith when people ask, but i rarely start conversations. my justification previously has been that its better to live in such a way that will bear more of a witness. and to a certain degree i think iv done that, but now im thinking its time to take it up a notch. the things that iv learnt over my life of christian meetings and sunday services are not just for my benefit, i need to share it... Lord im gona need your help to do that btw!!

so anyway this clip below stirred me up, and its probably why im coming to these conclusions. yes God is good, merciful, gracious and all that but there really is more to christianity than the feel-good message that i have been accustomed to hearing. its not enough to go to church on sundays for the pastor to stoke my christian ego with fluffy words. i need to run out of this comfort zone im in. real life is happening out there. there is so much more than relaxed christianty. the things that i have been privaleged to see or hear have left me desiring more. the issues that i and the people around me are being faced with is waking me up to realise that this is not a battle for me to sit back and wait for others to step up to the plate. yes the end of the book says we win, but its time to make a stand on the territory God has given me... was saying to a friend the other day that i cant believe we r six months into the year already so much has happend and it amazing how far iv come. but now my outlook is i need to re-write my 2009 to-do list. iv got 6months left to accomplish more.

my latter will be greater
xx

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." - 1 Timothy 6:12

All His idea

every now and then i get this kind of anger deep within me. its hard to explain. its like i put my spiritual foot down and say no more. something rises on the inside and reminds me of who i am in Jesus and where my focus needs to be. im having one of those moments now... see my head has been all over the place recently. the events of life started to happen and i got momentarily sidetracked and silly me allowed myself to be a spiritually be like a dripping tap rather than a river if that makes sense. things started goin a bit crazy and im sitting there asking why when it was simply because i jumped back in the driving seat and was trying to take control... long story short: lesson learnt = im nothing without God. but along that short diversion i learnt a few things. every cloud really does have a silver lining - who knew.

the poem "im sick of being sorry" nearly brought me to tears the other day. it was exactly how i was feeling. i cant really say anymore, it speaks for itself. poetic sunshine is blessing me if no one else.lol... but as Donnie McKlurkin's song goes - we fall down, but we get up... i think the issue was that the last time i repented over my achilles heel, not that i didnt mean it, but i didnt make any conscious decisions to change or prevent reoccurence. but this time it was like im tired of hearing myself repent. yes i got back up, but im tired of falling in the same place. like how many times should i let my heart get bruised before i learn my lesson. jheez. im tired of getting back up, i want to avoid falling in the first place. and aside from what happened, it annoyed because i know that i know better... and exhale...so one of the amazing things about God's forgiveness is that He will point out what is wrong, but also offer a solution of how to make it right. so im currently on his 5-step programme. lol.

i was jus looking at Romans 8:38-39. It says that nothing can separate us from the love of God. its like i can go in circles looking for him all over the place, run from him or trying to hide, or even refuse him when i think my way is better. but whatever i do, he's stuck to me. i think on certain issues iv been as stubborn as Jonah and taking the long route on things. just as well noone hears me arguing with God - dont even know why i bother, he always wins.

oh yer i also had a refreshing thought that dropped in my heart: this is all his idea. he's not the alpha and the oops. he knows when im going to fall, and he knows when im going to come running back into his arms. my mistakes dont catch him off-guard. he knows the end from the beginning, there is nothing i can do that takes him back to the drawing-board to figure out how he needs to fix my mess... and about him being the omega - there is nothing that he started and left unfinished. its humbling to think that even with my mistakes, insecurities and all other junk to sort, i am a finished product. that i am already seated in heavenly places - Ephesians 2:6... i am complete in him - Colossians 2:10... iv often thought about all the scriptures that are written in the past tense - finally it hit me that its because its already completed. duhh. so if theres nothing he's put aside for later so why the heck am i waiting rather than living in it?? sigh...i'll get it in the end. im deciding to get out of the revolving doors that keep attacking my achilles heel. im rising up and saying enough is enough, i cant keep falling over the same thing. and i feel like God has given me a toolbox to see what im going to do about it. at the moment i feel empowered with my new understanding... lets see what happens...

I am more than a conqueror and I can do all things.
xx

"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you" - Isaiah 60:1