[untitled]

there's a side of me that is extremely vulnerable that i feel i must hide from the world. i front a lot. i know that i do, and i know when im doing it, but i cant help it. take yesterday for example, i left a room of people, shut myself in my friend's bedroom and broke down for a few mins, pulled myself together and walked back in the room. no one knew, no one asked, was like nothing happened. *sigh*

... anyhoo... (yep here i go again, pretending that im ok)...

i feel like i have overdosed on truth pills in the last few days. lightbulbs have turned on in my head. things have to change.

Jesus help me

hurdle honesty

Wow... Its been a minute hasn't it. Blogging has been the last thing on my mind- to the point that I even forgot I had a blog. sigh. so here comes the little catch-up... Iv had an interesting start to 2010 that's for sure! A car accident in the snow gave me really bad whiplash, 2 ribs moved and I had some torn muscle fibres in my neck back and shoulders; couldn't work for a while so that disorientated my life for a while. Family issues then decided to jump-on the bandwagon. Followed by mum getting swine flu and i am now getting over a wisdom-tooth gum infection. and my lack of funds, from not having a stable salary doesnt seem to be helping anything right now... ermm this list is quite long, and im not even trying to moan. the strangest thing is despite all thats going on, its sliding off me like water on a ducks back. maybe ive become complacent that God has it all in control, that iv missed it completely. to be honest i havent been praying much lately, and i havent been to a proper church service this year so far. mainly because - actually im not going to attempt to justify it, i havent made time to and iv let other things come first. go ahead point those fingers and raise those eyebrows.

i never used to get it when people told me why they didnt go to church, but i kind of do now. im so out of the routine of going that im finding it hard to get back into it. i more than know the whole "seek first the kingdom..." scripture, but sometimes as willing as the spirit is to do what it needs to do, the flesh can be the biggest hinderance...i kick myself over things like that. its like each time i try and control my thoughts and stuff i think i got it down, then the test comes and i just miss the mark... so im just like "Lord, we both know im having a hard time in this walk with you right now, it seems like the issues i have are kind of overwhelming me, but i know you are greater than each and the sum of all put together. so i choose to just leave them all for you to deal with." honesty is the best policy i say. iv learnt that i cant fool God.

i dont feel like a "good christian" at the moment. i feel quite distant from him actually. im somewhere in the valley, trying to get back up the mountain. my past experiences and level of relationship with God tell me that i need to push past all of these distractions and limitations because what he has in store will be worth it though. i also know that he's waiting with open arms for me. but why am i not running back?

its a hurdle along the journey. and it is one i havent faced before. Success will be finding out and doing what it takes to get over this metaphorical 33inch barrier.

...to be continued...