i admit it, i was scared

i went to bed still slightly panicing but with the thought: im goin to keep the telephone mind of my mind open to peace hope and love, and if any doubt anxiety or fear tries to call, it will get a busy signal. eventually i fell asleep around 2ish...i woke up 7am sharp, no alarm, no wake-up call, no nothing. my eyes just opened and immediately my heart started racing. got out of bed, did my whole morning routine, packed my bags, got in the car and drove. i dont remember anythin about the weather, the traffic, the route - nothing. i only know i did things because i wudnt be here now if i didnt, but my body was in automatic, my brain was occupied thinking. the rest is all a blur...

i arrived in bournemouth at 11, i had an hour to wait. for the past four hours i had worked myself into such a state. all previous plans to stay calm had gone out of the window. all scriptures had momentarily hibernated. false expectations appeared real - f.e.a.r. took over. my heart continued to work overtime, body temperature rising, my mind was churning thoughts that i knew i should have taken captive but somehow i didnt... 12 o'clock came. the door opened. it was like one of those out of body experiences. i knew what was happening, all i had to do was hand over my student card, get an envelope and read it. i managed the first 2 steps but i couldnt open it. i didnt want to know. i just stared at my name on the front. holding what seemingly could determine my future i walked to my car. emotions overwhelmed me. i felt so alone. time to phone my sisters. my body went into automatic again. i dont know how i got there. my eyes full of tears, i dont even know how i saw the road...i got to her and handed it over. she led me too a room, where i continued to break down. iv never been so scared in my life. what if i failed? what if i had to repeat the year? how am i gona tell people? i cant afford to get into more debt. im goin to disappoint so many people... question upon question, my mind was full to capacity... she opened it. she didnt tell me straight away. man it must not be good. they read it, i heard "okaaay". im wondering if they are trying to find a nice way of telling me. by this point im suprised my hyperventilation hasnt led to an asthma attack... they told me. i passed!! i cracked a smile. we laughed. i felt stupid for crying.

so today im reevaluating why i allowed all that to happen... the new questions in my head are why did i forget that my life is in God's hands? why did i contemplate the possibility of failing? why did i listen to the what-if lies? why did i worry i messed up when i know that no piece of paper can alter God's plan for my life? it didnt matter what my result was - God has the final say-so of my future. how could i have forgotten that? my faith faultered when the apprehensions came. i forgot to take a spiritual deep breath. in my moments of isolation i should have said a number of things to remind myself of who i am and where i stand in his sight. tears could have been easily avoided. i shouldnt let situations become like giants that make me feel like a grasshopper, and furthermore God should never be made an nonentity. it was all in my head. iv definately learnt that renewing of the mind has to happen a bit more often... Mind of Christ, Mind of Christ, Mind of Christ...

but anyway - Praise the Lord!! i have a degree!! who would have thought the uni-rollercoaster would come to an end?! results day definately was the grand finale firework display... I give my utmost thanks to my Father and King for everythin. for hearing my every tantrum, catchin my every tear, giving me strength to persevere, bein patinent with me every time i threatened to quit...the list is endless. God had me in his hand all the way through for real... Never would have made it without you, Jesus I love you!! and to all my friends and family who supported me to the very end and helped pull me through. words cannot express how grateful i am. i did my best and i hope i made you proud.

so the ink is not even dry on the degree box iv just ticked and mum has already mentioned that i should start praying for a husband... there's always somethin..."Next!"

Elle Naturelle
xx

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." - 2 Corinthians 10:5