Changing the soil of my heart

Im struggling - like really. i dont even know wat to say. something happened last night, like my eyes were opened to see what i have never seen before. temptation is being thrown in my face. i dont really know how to explain this feeling.

The Parable of the sower has been read time and time again, but how often do we recognise when it is happening to us? Iv been going to church for most of my life, i have uncountable multitude of papers and notebooks (and offering envelopes - yep u know those times when you dont have any paper - just me? ok. lol) of things i would write down from all the different sunday services, conferences and random meetings i attended over the years. but whats the point? was it all a holy act infront of my fellow christians? was i just wasting ink and killing trees? its not like i always go back over my notes and study them (ok on occasion i do, but not like hardcore revision or anything). i have to admit that my heart has been like every surface in this parable. it has been like rock, iv heard the word and received it with joy (and notes to prove it), ive believed and known its true, but not allowed it to take root in my heart and in times of testing ive let go of it. it has been like thorns and chocked the word because of a desire for other things.

So now iv come to a familiar crossroad, and have to choose a direction i havent taken in the past. Its about getting out of the cycle now. A few blogs back i wrote about learning to love not knowing, and the revelation truth that i recieved is now being tested. am i going to trust Him to lead me or once again navigate my own way through this situation? will i use what i know and have learnt over the years? will i apply the theory into practice?...yes im seriously confused in the natural, wont deny that - but i know i have the mind of Christ. I choose to believe in what i know deep down rather than ponder on what is just lying on the surface; because those things will pass away - easily blown by the winds of life - but the word that dwells richly in my spirit, that cannot return to Him void, and has to bear fruit. i dont know what is going on, so i choose to rest in the knowledge that He does.

Peace, Love and Parables
xx

"But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop." - Luke 8:15

Friend

I am so blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with my mum. I can only relate what a parent should be like to the things mum does for me. shes more than just my mum, shes every humanly possible thing to me... Abraham is still inspiring me, "He was even called the friend of God" - James 2:23. i think ive probably sung that song a million times, but the revelation is dawning on me like this day... The thought of God being my Father and still desiring friendship with me also is quite something. Something im definately going to keep in mind today. Im searching for a deeper relationship, but in my mind that was a father-daughter kinda thing. but now im openning my eyes to the friendship part.

is it me or is there sometimes nothing to obey? like here i am, iv made decisions, done what i was told to do, and now what? im waiting for further instruction. haha the Holy Spirit really does bring everything to rememberance...guess which scripture just popped into mind, arrgh i cant quite remember the exact quote - ermm that one about having done everything stand firm...ok will find it later...but my point is that this walk is more than just constant obedience to a list of rules, its also requires the maintenance of relationship. Sometimes when there is nothing left to obey, the only thing to do is to maintain a vital connection with Jesus and to see that nothing interferes with that. and out of this relationship will i be able to know what His will is when a crisis arises because i'm already used to talking to my friend. I long to hear God say im His friend.

Peace, Love and Laughter with my friend Jesus.xx

"I no longer call you slaves because a master doesn't confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends since i have told you everything the Father told me" - John 15:15

Learning to love not knowing

Hebrews 11 - the great chapter of faith...interesting. first i have to stop at verse 2. i am so glad God doesnt still give approval based on faith coz boi i know that i would not have his approval now thats for sure. Thank God for the cross for real!! Because of Jesus, the father looks at me and sees his beloved son. Its a strange concept to understand. I mean the beauty of one act means that i can stand forgiven before my king and know that he loves me as much as he loves his son. Now that i am in Him and He is in me, i am accepted, whole, restored...the list goes on. can someone say AMAZING!!!

I've been having a rough time lately and trying to keep my mouth shut and not moan about it to everyone (new me i know). Yesterday i broke down n cried just because i had a hug. how gay is dat.lol...iv been sayin to myself i just need a hug, i just need a hug, i need someone to tell me im goin to be ok. but i never got it. and last nite a friend came over and hugged me and that just set me off. i felt rubbish for letting someone see me cry, but i actually couldnt help it.

so yer im thinking about Abraham this morning, and the different challenges he had to face. funny how we only manage to put our lives into perspective when we dont think about ourselves. Now this dude yer, i mean talk about a huge example, my man was even asked to kill his own son - seriously though i would have been screaming that the idea alone was a lil on the ermm barbaric, malicious, sadistic and outrageous side (but then again thats probably why God didnt land me on the planet back in the day - i def wudnt have made it into the bible) but the test was also a crucial lesson in choices. the tasks God likes to give us are often enormous and the obstacles formidable, but like Abraham I need to learn how to obey God wholeheartedly. No matter what. Abraham knew that however steep the mountain he had to climb, however fierce the enemy, or however nagging his doubt, if God called he would always provide. I can barely comprehend the kind of trust it took. Faith doesnt always know where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One who is leading it. A life of faith is not of intellect and reason, but knowing Who makes us go or do x, y, z. The root of faith needs to be the knowlege of a Person.

Peace, Love and remebering that God never fails
xx

"Abraham believed God, so God declared him righteous because of his faith" - Genesis 15:6

whats on your mind?

that new comment in the status box is so stupid, it actually annoys me...since when was facebook a shrink? i may put things that are on my mind in my status, but i mean really did they have to ask...nonsense...ok mini rant is ova...well heres wat is on my mind lol...

so iv been away for a while...had to revise for my exam - which went ok in my opinion, but will wait to find out the results before i open my mouth any more than that...then i went to london for the weekend...yep my lil chris is married!! can just about believe it, im soo happy for them though. im not really one to cry at weddings (or in public for that matter) but i must say there were a few moments when i nearly did. like seeing a video of my spiritual parents Pastor Ed and Lori. i miss them sooo much, i dont think a week goes by without me thinking about them. i just want a hug from both of them. ahhh deep sigh. let me stop before i do start crying.

so this week really iv been thinking a lot about relationships. the wedding was realy nice. i always get so encouraged when i see Godly couples actually make it to the alter having done things the right way. it is so hard to stick to the plan, and many (including myself) have stumbled, but thank God we get up again and continue on the race. the funny part was i didnt come away from the wedding all sad that i dont have a man, i came back happy that i dont. this year really is a gift, not just because of my challenge (which seems to be at the forefront of my mind) but also because im desperate to go deeper with my relationship with God. im at that place of "enough is enough" i dont want to go round that route anymore. i want to know God. ok i know him, but i want to know more. this year is all about me and my Jesus and im excited to see what he's gona do in me. im taking things step by step.

im trying this whole "take every thought captive" thing from 2 Corinthians 10:5...so im wondering how to actively take every thought captive into the obedience of Christ. It’s all well and good to quote all these scriptures – but to actively apply it is where the rubber meets the road. thats my new outlook... so what paul was saying is that every thought that is not wholesome, or is proud, or not in line with God’s word and purposes, or negative thinking, we need to bring into the obedience of Christ. in other words, it needs to come under the Lordship of Christ. so im questioning myself - "would Jesus be able to say he fully rules and reigns over me and my thoughts?" difficult to answer. Yes he is my Lord and Saviour, but i dont think some of the things that cross my mind please him very much. ok im human, and the devil is a liar always tempting, but i dont want to use that as a justification. i have to take control as much as possible. rather than sit back and say its inevitable, im gona try and retrain my way of thinking, and get out of bad habits of dwelling on things that pop into my mind.

I was wondering about this especially in the area of negative thinking. reading and speaking out God’s word, singing and listening to praise and worship music, and speaking out the name of Jesus really helps. i love completely emmersing myself in thoughts about him. and when i do theres no room for anything else, and everything else is so minute in comparison that i dont worry about it. but do i do this all the time? nope, actually let me say not yet. iv noticed that when i listen to "secular" music, or watch random stuff on tv or online, my thoughts do change. now im not about to start shouting from the rooftops that we shouldnt do that coz to be honest i dont think i can right now. but im gona try distracting myself when i do realise that what im listening to or watching isnt edifying me. the Holy Spirit convicts me in a still small voice, and sometimes its easier to ignore, but change is here.lol...different steps need to be taken for the different results i want to see. so im gonna have to actively stop myself dwelling on things and to fill my minds with Godly things. after all these are the weapons of my warfare, and by doing this i will pull down the strongholds in my thought life.

Peace, Love and Re-aligning our thinking
xx

"We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ" 2 Corinthians 10:5

the heart that nearly fell on the floor

It was like an RTA in the middle of a crossroad with cars coming from all directions. the pile of of different situations happening at once. I didnt know which one did the most damage, but i think it was the pain from each makes its own individual impact. Sometimes its like the things that i faced before that havent quite healed yet come back to the forefront of my mind. like when you have a scab and you knock it by accident and if falls off but the skin underneath hasnt healed yet so you start bleeding again - thats the best analogy i can think of. so its time to deal with things. one by one.

the fact my Dad didnt want to see me when i went to Uganda over christmas still presses on my mind. Iv always thought to myself the only reason i dont see him that much is because of the distance, and if he was in the country things would be different. i guess i was lying to myself all along - the dreams of a little girl just wanting to be loved and making up excuses for why she isnt. but im older now and reality has hit. if he doesnt want to know me, and wont give me a reason why, theres nothing i can do. (the same goes for the friends that leave me - they are easier to get over, but when its your dad its hard). i could feel something was different but it took a while for me to put my finger on what it was. i felt alone. probably the loneliest if ever felt, but deeper than that i felt sad that i didnt know who to turn to. i didnt know who would understand me, and if they knew would they really even care?

i can always feel when things are different. no im not psychic. its like a gift of discernment. sometimes its like i can almost sense something is about to happen before it does. most times i ignore it or think im being silly and overthinking as usual, but im realising i should start paying attention to those feelings. coz when something does finally happen im not as shocked as i should be... take friday for example, i realised something when i went back to london. it took me the whole weekend to sort through it in my head (still fresh wound so i will explain later when iv healed a bit, sorry). Thank God for my friends wisdom and input btw. and then on top of that i got a HUGE confirmation at church on sunday just incase i missed it. i knew what type of change was coming. i knew things couldnt go back to where i left them but i didnt know what exactly was going to happen next. I didnt kno how i was gona get out of what i had got myself into...so i got back to bournemouth yesterday and my situation dramatically changed - literally overnight. The truth I knew i would eventually hear was said and it sucks for real. I am bruised but not as broken as I thought I would be. why? because God was great in preparing me. so its like the situation doesnt really affect me because i had already determined to go in a different direction. it still hurts though, dont get me wrong, but i think my heart would have fallen on the floor and shattered into a million pieces if he didnt prepare me. I dont understand Gods ways or methods sometimes (actually most times), but i know that they always work. I asked for a way out, and boi did i get one - i just didnt kno the answer would come in the format it did (next time i should specify.lol)

once again im finding I cant depend on man. iv been back and forth, tried and tested and come to the same conclusion. God has always been the one to pull me through everythin and i know he's the only one that wont leave me. Im accepting that My dad is human, he will probably let me down again and may never even love me, but my Heavenly Father will never disappoint me and loves me unconditionally and eternally. Great is his faithfulness. i know that God hasnt brought me this far for nothing, i just have to learn and move on. if life gives me lemons, im not only going to make lemonade, but im going to drink it too. im going to be alright. im not beating myself up over things anymore. i cant keep beating myself up about things anymore, somethings just arent my fault and theres nothin i could have done to make the outcome any different. instead i jus have to deal with the situation. i cant blame myself for things that were out of my control, but i can do my best with the things i can control. and if at the end of it all, my best isnt enough, at least i can honestly say i tried.

Peace, love and lemonade.

He is a "Father to the fatherless" - Psalm 68:5-6

"So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today" - Matthew 6:34

H.A.P.P.Y

im so happy today. Everything seems to be in order- assignments are getting done, im over that stupid cold, im not being naughty (lol), and im going home this afternoon, havent been back since january. Iv actually missed my mum, and for me to admit that is quite something in itself. so yer going to have some home cooked food and sleep in my lovely bed....plus my bestest is back from Gambia and im gona see her too and will be able to meet up with my london crew, which i havent done since before christmas. aww exciting!! im definately in my happy place. ahh God really is good.

oooh, was gona leave it at that but i av something else to say...The other day I was trying to explain the reason for why we are not held by the laws of the old testament to a friend. I really had a hard time though. you know when you know something is true but cant quite put it into words for the people your witnessing to - so frustrating!! i wasnt discouraged because the seed was sown and i know God wont leave that persons questions unanswered. maybe i wasnt able to explain it, but that doesnt change the truth. so anyway i was reading something this morning from The Word for Today. actually its yesterdays reading but i thought i'd share it with you anyway:

"Have you ever watched someone walking a dog on a lead, when the dog doesn't want to go where its owner is going? The owner is constantly tugging on the lead, pulling the dog from here and there, telling it to 'stop that' and 'come back here.' That's the way a lot of us live. We are on a 'law lead.' Our lives consist of 'Stop that; come back here; don't do that.' Only it's in terms of 'Read your Bible; pray; go to church; pay your tithes; witness.' Now, these are certainly the things we should be doing, but God never meant us to do them at the end of a lead. What a difference when you see a dog and its owner that have a strong relationship. The dog doesn't need a lead to go for a walk. Its owner can just speak a word and the dog responds. Now we're not comparing ourselves to dogs, we're comparing performance-based Christian living to relationship-based Christian living. Big, big difference! Paul writes: 'Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.' When God redeemed you, He wrote His law in your heart and mind (Hebrews 10:16). That means He wants to relate to you from the inside. You shouldn't need an external system of rules to 'keep you in line,' because you have internalised God's Word and you have a desire to obey and please Him from your heart."

Hearing this analogy made it easier for me to understand. might try using it next time. Its not that the old testament no longer has value, its just that our obedience is no longer lifethreatening (well eternally it is, but i mean like your not gona get stoned to death if you dont do something) so because of Jesus we have a new covenant - a different kind of relationship with God. and with that is the choice to obey, and if we are in a relationship with God we will obey just because of the love we have for him.

ahhh just looked at the time, im going to be late for uni!!
will continue this later - i'll read thru and see if i left anything out.

Peace, Love and Romans 7:4 to 8:17 (read it, paul is deep)
xxx

Looking for Inspiration?

I have so many insecurities, some bigger than others, but all holding me back in some way. iv mastered the art of making excuses to get out or around things to the point that people would never realise. its a skill thats taken years to learn, but its time to break out of it. I need to get over myself if im going to be able to acomplish the tasks infront of me.

Looking at Nick Vuijicic im like Lord if i was him i dont think i would be that positive and brave. God really doesnt give us more than we can bear...oh snap now i just have to say something really quickly: that famous saying isn’t in the Bible.The actual verse says that "God will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear". 1 Corinthinans 10:13 ...Does that mean we will be stressed? Does that mean we will actually be challenged beyond our abilities? Does that mean we will be stretched past our limits? Or that we there will be times that the pain is unbearable?....The truth is God gives us more than we can handle all of the time. On purpose. Is He being mean? Does He care? If He’s God, why doesn’t He enter in and take the pain, and stress away? Or give us the ability to do it in our own strength? Maybe its because it is only when we cant handle it anymore that we run to Him, and i mean really run to Him… and He becomes everything we need and more.

But anyway back to what i was saying before...Wow this man is serious....im actually quite speechless, am just forcing myself to say something for the purposes of this blog, but honestly theres enough in this mini series to think about so i'll shut up now. Heres the video link to im what im talking about: No Arms, No Legs, No worries Watch it and be inspired.

Peace, Love and Perspective

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

Time waits for no man

Time management...ggrrr at whoeva came up with that phrase. Was talking to a friend last nite. She's one of those people i dont talk to as much as i should, but when we see each other we catch up n continue like no time was spent apart (i love you girl btw)...but yer she said i should tell her exactly what i was planning to do today. Now to me, my day sounded quite packed and i wanted to hear her say that i didnt have to do anything else coz i would be tired....BUT NOOOO....my girl said "ok well then after all of that you can do an hour of dissertation work!" *cough cough* "ermmm excuse me? who are you, who are you? did you not hear wat i just said?" would have been my first reaction, but she actually had a point. Its not that i dont have time, its that i choose to do other things with the time i have. Social timewasting on Facebook those hours spent mindlessly looking for entertainment on YouTube, and watching movies i've either seen before/ or could really watch another day are three things that immediately comes to mind.

So where is God in this? Thats my new phrase btw, i'll explain later...So i was thinking this morning about what would happen if i tithed 10% of my time. Now theres a fresh challenge. Obviously it would be the most beneficial thing i could do for my spiritual life, and from that my natural life would also be blessed....the principle of sowing and reaping shows that what ever you put in, you get out. so if i invest time, i should have more time than i had before right? ok so God's not gona add hours to my day, but i think the time i do have will be way more productive... oooo the thought of super-efficiency is quite exciting. So what exactly is 10% of my time? ok im dyslexic so i av to work this out the long way will get back to you on that one...btw i mean of the time awake if your trying to work out yours. My point is its a challenge to spend more time with the one we love but its not impossible. Even an extra 10minutes a day would be more than worth it.

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need" Matthew 6:33

And so we begin...

Why am i starting another blog? well simply because I woke up this morning and God put it on my heart...my last blog was really depressing, i read it through and didnt realise how sad i was inside. i might take some bits out of it though, coz in those moments i described feelings in a way a normal brain may not think about haha... but yer old things habe passed away, and im starting afresh...

I love reading other peoples's blogs, and every now and then i look for a new one to inspire me. Take the other day for example, i was searching for a christian blog, i came across all sorts (some not as Christian as they claimed to be, but thats not the point now), but there wasnt "that one" - you know wat i mean. maybe my search techniques aren't up to scratch, but it kinda suprised me, blah blah i was thinking about it....skip to this morning...i wake and God hits me (not literally- obviously), and i realise my life might just be what im looking for, and how many other people may benefit from hearing about a not-so-easy christian life. ok so maybe no-one, but it will help me out coz writing, even when it doesnt make sense, is therapeutic. sometimes i have so much going on in my head that putting it down on paper actually helps make space...perhaps one day some cyber hitch-hiker may find my stuff, read it and be blessed - so just for that one person, i will continue...

So this blog isnt about the perfect christian living an exceptionally holy life, its about my life and His. I hope to write about all the ups, how great God is and what he's doing (not just in my life) and what im learning, but also the downs - to show that we are still human, we all have struggles, and how merciful and gracious He is to bring us through those hard moments. I'll try not to use too much Christian-ese, actually who am i kidding, i dont really write that well so making this blog with fancy words isnt really likely to happen coz i dont know how to. But anyway there's my lil introduction.

Peace, Love and Jesus Christ.xx

"Do not despise these small beginings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin"

Zech 4:10