First Love

last night i cudnt sleep. i literally lay in the dark just thinking about everything under the sun (moon), refusing to turn off the light, determined to force myself to sleep in the next minute - my stubborness didnt pay off, 5 hours later i was still tossing and turning... i finally drifted off only to hear my alarm ring. grrr.... so here i am laying in bed with my hot-water bottle and laptop, this time determined not to switch of the light till that moment of inability to resist the force of gravity on my eyelids.

and so i blog...

the other day on the way to church, was talking to my bestest, who randomly asked me a question that brought up a memory, but being reminded of it somehow made my heart start beating a few extra beats per minute and sweatbeads started to form. i automatically did the whole nervous laughter, trying to cover up my state of discomfort. it didnt work, she knows me too well, i ended up telling her... *skip to less than an hour ago* ... i wish i could say i was doing something productive, or even reading something interesting, but truth be told i just finished watching an episode of ugly betty, and was about to check my facebook and twitter. when i hear:

"Return to that place of vulnerability"

i know when God speaks to me because its like Ka-Pow!! Bang!! Spiritual Slap!! its tear-jerking to the point that i have to do the whole swallow thing, and straight to the heart like ouch! and its amazing that such clear and concise statements make so much sense - too much for me to have conjured up on my own... i didnt even need to ask for an explanation. funnily enough i would usually write the following in my journal first before editing it and exposing it to whoever might come across this blog, but regarding the nature of His comment, here's to being open...

Return. iv been a bit lost for a while. i dont even know when or how it happened. not to even say i turned away from God or even backslid as is common terminology, but somewhere along the line since i left uni, the journey took a detour (no judgement fingers please!). i had stopped on this plateau on the mountain for more than a minute, as much as i knew i needed to start climbing again, press in and all that, something was stopping me. Kirk Franklins song 'First Love' has echoed in my ears for weeks now; time i did something not just sang along. not only to i want to return, i need to return.
that place. being a combination of the position i stood in which i had a deeper passion for God and the things of God, held my experiences with him dearer to my heart, walked closer with my saviour, knew who i am in him and how privilaged i am to have him in me. that place of confidence, peace, love, security and much more.
vulnerability. be willing to share my experiences, celebrations, joys, failures, shortcomings, and things i may not even be proud of. i began this blog with full intention to do so, but havent entirely. i do need to let my guard down, and not be cagey (as i was told i was - thanks alot, you kno who you are). i should remove the mentality that says being vulnerable is a sign of weakness. the wall i had built up not only prevents others from getting in, but also stops me from reaching others.

i thank God for His grace and mercy.
im back!!

"For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires” - Hebrews 4:12