Love ... Knowlegde + Judgement

We had a moment. He told me that he loved me. I just looked at him. I heard the clock ticking in the background... this could either be really agonising for him as he hoped to hear the usual 'i love you too' statement volleyed back to him, or it could be a time for him to wonder if i would accept the nicely wrapped present of what he thought i wanted to hear. seconds passed as thoughts and questions filled my mind... How could he lie straight to my face? Can he truely think that i would realy believe him just like that? the words he uttered were as significant to me as offering a liver to someone who needed a kidney transplant. its not that i didnt want to accept what should be a heartfelt statement, but in the same moments he said those words i realised something - he cant love me.

WAIT!! for years i had longed to hear those words, but in seconds i rejected them?! whats wrong with me? i guess its because iv been here before. it took too much time to recover from the last heartache to dive back into another hot mess without precaution. premature love is not for me - i dont need to learn that lesson again.

For someone to say "i love you" the words are only meaningful when that person has a certain amount of knowledge about me. obviously their efforts to get to know me can be hindered by how much i trust them and allow them to know me... so in hearing him say that he loves me, i questioned what he actually knows about me that he could really love. does he love just one aspect of me? does he love the representative of me that always tries to impress him whenever we meet? without goin into my own version of 50cent's song '21 Questions' - if he saw me at my worst (looking or behaved) would he love me then?

Love also comes with judgement. because after finding out about all my failings, weaknesses and shortcomings, a decision has to be made as to whether he likes me enough to stick around. whether he can look past all of that and still love who i am despite of all of that... There is only one that can say they truely love me, God my Father. He alone knows me inside out, and yet still choses to love me eternally and unconditionally. its a concept that blows my mind everytime i think about it. there are few people on this earth that when they say they love me, i can actually accept it. (but even with them, I know their love is dependent on something, and at any point they could stop loving me beit my fault or not) ... so on hearing these words i wondered whether i could allow this person to join that elite group. I wanted more than just words, more than just an appropriate comment for our current relationship. i wanted him to seriously understand what he was saying, and i wanted him to get that it required corresponding action to give weight and meaning to the statement he was making. i wanted him to know that should he ever hear me say it back to him, i would mean it from the depths of my being... ok so my definition of love may not be complete or as mature as another persons, but i would love him the best way i know how, and would be willing to invest all of myself and watch that love grow.

Love. its a big topic.
xx

"We love because he first loved us." - 1 John 4:19