Mere Christianity

"Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats, it only prevents them from hiding." -CS Lewis

memories part 2

everyone has been hurt in one way or another, i know this. but how we get over things in life will always baffle me. i tend to deal with things in stages. i cover over certain feelings, in a way ignore them because addressing them is sometimes just as painful as going through the situation all over again. the problem is somethings cant remain hidden for very long, they resurface or reappear in different forms. i wish that things would just go away, that there was a undo on life, a trash can for all the files i wanted to disappear. but there isnt.

yesterday i woke up crying. it was not cool. its never happened before and i seriously wouldnt like it to occur again. i was overwhelmed by thoughts, memories, fears, you name it - it circled my brain. im about to enter a new season on my journey. i'll be moving soon for work. having a fresh start and as great as it sounds the idea freaks me out. but why? what am i so afraid of? my problem is im too focused on what i have experienced before and scared that history may repeat itself. i feel like im partially being held back by the things i pushed under the rug. my concepts of acceptance, self-esteem, confidence in my own abilities and a few other things have been bumped, bruised and scarred. unbelief looks at the past and assumes i cant do what im setting out to do; while faith looks at the future and rests in God, in whom all things are possible. but where do i stand? right on the boundary between the two. im honestly not yet in full faith about this. so how will i get to that place of faith? i dont know. for now my best option is changing my focus. i know that im walking in the right direction He has planned for me, there is no need to fear, his blueprint is perfect and will come to pass. so I just have to keep going . address the emotions, and leave the pain at the altar. there is a way out. i am a conqueror so i need to stop living as a wounded soldier.

time to replace the thoughts about my past with the promises of my future

"but one thing i do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those which are ahead" - Philippians 3:13

memories part 1

i remember waking up one night and feeling the bed shaking. no it wasnt an earthquake, though at this point i would have prefered it to be. she was crying, again. i lay there starring into the darkness. i wanted to climb up to the top bunk and wrap my arms around her and tell her that everything was going to be alright. but i couldnt. i couldnt say it because i didnt even know it would be. i couldnt lie to her because the reality of the situation was that neither of us knew how or if we would survive this. i couldnt see past the hour that we were in, let alone the next day. the volitility of the predicament could erupt at any moment. i was both afraid to speak and to be silent. what hurts me more than feeling pain myself is seeing my loved ones in pain. understanding their suffering but not being able to do anything about it is even worse. i was imprisoned in place where i was disowned, called things i remember but cant bear to repeat, looked at in ways im trying to forget and treated in ways i did not deserve. i found out exactly what abuse meant. the weakness , the fear, the intimidation, the feelings are indescribable. the moments in between are sickening. they were bittersweet - like the calm before the storm. i knew something was about to happen, but the moment was unpredictable. as much as i hoped last time was the last time, i prepared myself for the next time. i felt suicidal at times. but there were two things that kept me alive. one, i couldnt leave her behind to go through this alone. even if i wasnt able to change anything, at least she wasnt alone in this. two, my departure would only add to her pain and i didnt want to cause anymore tears through my selfish act. i couldnt bear anymore neither could i escape. trapped by someone i once placed high on a pedestal. i realised the hatred he had towards me. the bitterness he carried all these years. he voiced things i never would have imagined he would ever think of. thoughts that clearly were in his mind for years, there is no way things like that just appear out of thin air overnight. the truth, and yes it really did hurt. it pierced parts of my very being that i didnt know existed. it burned deeper than any emotion could ever go. it shattered everything i knew - or thought i knew. i was broken. completely drained. my world crumbled around me. the very things that held me together were removed and nothing was left. the mornings were worse than the evenings. i had nothing to look forward to. i had no reason to wake up. i wished that i wouldnt. at least in the few moments i did manage to sleep, i was away from him. at least in my dreams, i was safe and free.

TBC