I cannot say

I cannot say "OUR"
if I have no room in my life for others and their needs.

I cannot say"FATHER"
if I do not demonstrate this relationship in my daily living.

I cannot say"WHO ART IN HEAVEN"
if all my interests and pursuits are in earthly things.

I cannot say"HALLOWED BE THY NAME"
if I, who am called to bear His name, am not holy.

I cannot say"THY KINGDOM COME"
if I am unwilling to give up my own sovereignty and accept
the righteous reign of God.

I cannot say"THY WILL BE DONE"
if I am unwilling or resentful of having God's will in my life.

I cannot say "ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN"
unless I am truly ready to give myself to His service here and now.

I cannot say "GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BREAD"
without expending honest effort for it,
or by ignoring the genuine needs of others.

I cannot say "FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES AS WE
FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US"
if I continue to harbor a grudge against anyone.

I cannot say"LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION"
if I deliberately choose to remain in a situation
where I am likely to be tempted.

I cannot say"DELIVER US FROM EVIL"
if I am not prepared to fight in the spiritual realm
with the ultimate weapon of prayer.

I cannot say"THINE IS THE KINGDOM"
if I do not give the kind of disciplined obedience of a loyal subject.

I cannot say"THINE IS THE POWER"
if I fear what my neighbours may say or do.

I cannot say"FOREVER"
if I am too anxious about each day's events.

I cannot say"AMEN"
unless I can honestly say,
"cost what it may, this is my prayer."

Out with the old

I've been clearing out my room n wardrobe. i didn't realise how much crap iv kept. going through it all however has been quite fun. every now and then i look at something and have to sit down and allow a flood of memories to fill my brain. i am way too much of a sentimental person than i think is healthy, but i love it. take for example my royal blue leotard. wow. it holds so much, yet it now just looks like a worn out material that had definately seen better days. but as i hold it i remember the countless dance exams i did, the joys spent in years of dance lessons and the different shows i performed in. memories... sigh. let me leave that topic.

so yer as im going through my room i have so much time to think. i'm detoxing my brain as well as my immediate environment. I'm back at that point where i need to reassess my current location (in life) and set goals for the next steps... the year is not yet over, but i cant help but think about whether i've achieved what i set out to achieve this year. in someways maybe all i've done is float around my goals, been swept by the winds of life, and not necessarily seized hold of very much. ok i shouldnt be so hard on myself. i have done a lot of things, tried, succeeded in some areas, and learnt from others. all in all i know i am where i need to be right now, and the steps i've taken may appear pointless and the long route, but were definately necessary. i value those around me that support me even in my nonsense... i know im not making the most sense right now. my thoughts are still a bit discombobulated and im trying to sort them out. i think im just procrastinating against finishing my room, so let me get back to it.

peace, love and hot ribena

ps i watched "Eat.Pray.Love" earlier, aside from the whole meditation thing, and typical hollywood love, its decent. an easy watch with some good principles.... but mehh who nominated me a film critic?! ... ok im out now for real.x

Mere Christianity

"Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats, it only prevents them from hiding." -CS Lewis

memories part 2

everyone has been hurt in one way or another, i know this. but how we get over things in life will always baffle me. i tend to deal with things in stages. i cover over certain feelings, in a way ignore them because addressing them is sometimes just as painful as going through the situation all over again. the problem is somethings cant remain hidden for very long, they resurface or reappear in different forms. i wish that things would just go away, that there was a undo on life, a trash can for all the files i wanted to disappear. but there isnt.

yesterday i woke up crying. it was not cool. its never happened before and i seriously wouldnt like it to occur again. i was overwhelmed by thoughts, memories, fears, you name it - it circled my brain. im about to enter a new season on my journey. i'll be moving soon for work. having a fresh start and as great as it sounds the idea freaks me out. but why? what am i so afraid of? my problem is im too focused on what i have experienced before and scared that history may repeat itself. i feel like im partially being held back by the things i pushed under the rug. my concepts of acceptance, self-esteem, confidence in my own abilities and a few other things have been bumped, bruised and scarred. unbelief looks at the past and assumes i cant do what im setting out to do; while faith looks at the future and rests in God, in whom all things are possible. but where do i stand? right on the boundary between the two. im honestly not yet in full faith about this. so how will i get to that place of faith? i dont know. for now my best option is changing my focus. i know that im walking in the right direction He has planned for me, there is no need to fear, his blueprint is perfect and will come to pass. so I just have to keep going . address the emotions, and leave the pain at the altar. there is a way out. i am a conqueror so i need to stop living as a wounded soldier.

time to replace the thoughts about my past with the promises of my future

"but one thing i do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those which are ahead" - Philippians 3:13

memories part 1

i remember waking up one night and feeling the bed shaking. no it wasnt an earthquake, though at this point i would have prefered it to be. she was crying, again. i lay there starring into the darkness. i wanted to climb up to the top bunk and wrap my arms around her and tell her that everything was going to be alright. but i couldnt. i couldnt say it because i didnt even know it would be. i couldnt lie to her because the reality of the situation was that neither of us knew how or if we would survive this. i couldnt see past the hour that we were in, let alone the next day. the volitility of the predicament could erupt at any moment. i was both afraid to speak and to be silent. what hurts me more than feeling pain myself is seeing my loved ones in pain. understanding their suffering but not being able to do anything about it is even worse. i was imprisoned in place where i was disowned, called things i remember but cant bear to repeat, looked at in ways im trying to forget and treated in ways i did not deserve. i found out exactly what abuse meant. the weakness , the fear, the intimidation, the feelings are indescribable. the moments in between are sickening. they were bittersweet - like the calm before the storm. i knew something was about to happen, but the moment was unpredictable. as much as i hoped last time was the last time, i prepared myself for the next time. i felt suicidal at times. but there were two things that kept me alive. one, i couldnt leave her behind to go through this alone. even if i wasnt able to change anything, at least she wasnt alone in this. two, my departure would only add to her pain and i didnt want to cause anymore tears through my selfish act. i couldnt bear anymore neither could i escape. trapped by someone i once placed high on a pedestal. i realised the hatred he had towards me. the bitterness he carried all these years. he voiced things i never would have imagined he would ever think of. thoughts that clearly were in his mind for years, there is no way things like that just appear out of thin air overnight. the truth, and yes it really did hurt. it pierced parts of my very being that i didnt know existed. it burned deeper than any emotion could ever go. it shattered everything i knew - or thought i knew. i was broken. completely drained. my world crumbled around me. the very things that held me together were removed and nothing was left. the mornings were worse than the evenings. i had nothing to look forward to. i had no reason to wake up. i wished that i wouldnt. at least in the few moments i did manage to sleep, i was away from him. at least in my dreams, i was safe and free.

TBC

I just got back from an evening at IGOC 2010. I was resisting going all the way there if im honest. im glad i went, i got something out of it... after a while i think to myself how many conferences do i need to go to?! i do see the value of conferences, but if my life doesn't significantly change and two weeks after a conference life reverts back to how i was before, i wonder what use it was going in the first place. i think im in a season of realising where i stand spiritually. i can no longer allow myself to get away with things. ive had to be really tough on myself especially in the past few months. i think im begining to outgrow the spiritual milk i was surviving on before. its not enough to sustain me. theres a deeper hunger for more. something within me is pressing me to seek after more and not be satisfied until i get it. its the strangest feeling. it keeps me up at night, it wakes me up in the middle of the night, and its the first thing on my mind in the morning... i know im starting to sound like one of those crazy christians (lol). but its like iv experienced something and nothing else is enough now. no playing church, i've found what i want, and its Jesus himself, there's no other explaination. i need Him, more than ever before. and where i have given up seeking in the past, there's an urgency for me to keep going this time. like something inside me doesent want to stop when the hype of attending christian meetings ends. like the consistency in my lifestyle needs a boost coz i wont survive the way i am now. God wants to move my generation further but i wont cope if i remain at my current level. so its up to me. to press in, or sit on the sidelines spectating as those around me go ahead. I know His grace will take me further than my heart currently desires or even imagines it wants to go.

Consume me Father.
xx


ahhh im so excited!! cant wait till sunday 29th...so in anticipation for THE BUZZ and seeing Donnie perform live in concert:

If the Earth were a golf ball

Louie Giglio - If The Earth Were A Golfball - Funny bloopers are a click away

one last try

I'm going to make one last attempt to get back into blogging... if i drift away this time, i'll just delete this account. Blogging was so much easier while I was at uni. Maybe i was just procrastinating against assignments, or maybe i just had more passion for it so i made the time to write. Its been like 5months since my last post and to say a lot has happened isnt even an exaggeration. Looking back now i wish i had paused to note down, even briefly, the the steps of my journey. but i didn't so mehh why dwell on it. im sure what i've learnt over the past few months will come out in bits and pieces anyway.

for now i'm just passing through with a clip i just saw on a friends wall... its refreshing and a good way to start recording the next chapter of my journey.



Peace, Love and Jesus.xx

[untitled]

there's a side of me that is extremely vulnerable that i feel i must hide from the world. i front a lot. i know that i do, and i know when im doing it, but i cant help it. take yesterday for example, i left a room of people, shut myself in my friend's bedroom and broke down for a few mins, pulled myself together and walked back in the room. no one knew, no one asked, was like nothing happened. *sigh*

... anyhoo... (yep here i go again, pretending that im ok)...

i feel like i have overdosed on truth pills in the last few days. lightbulbs have turned on in my head. things have to change.

Jesus help me

hurdle honesty

Wow... Its been a minute hasn't it. Blogging has been the last thing on my mind- to the point that I even forgot I had a blog. sigh. so here comes the little catch-up... Iv had an interesting start to 2010 that's for sure! A car accident in the snow gave me really bad whiplash, 2 ribs moved and I had some torn muscle fibres in my neck back and shoulders; couldn't work for a while so that disorientated my life for a while. Family issues then decided to jump-on the bandwagon. Followed by mum getting swine flu and i am now getting over a wisdom-tooth gum infection. and my lack of funds, from not having a stable salary doesnt seem to be helping anything right now... ermm this list is quite long, and im not even trying to moan. the strangest thing is despite all thats going on, its sliding off me like water on a ducks back. maybe ive become complacent that God has it all in control, that iv missed it completely. to be honest i havent been praying much lately, and i havent been to a proper church service this year so far. mainly because - actually im not going to attempt to justify it, i havent made time to and iv let other things come first. go ahead point those fingers and raise those eyebrows.

i never used to get it when people told me why they didnt go to church, but i kind of do now. im so out of the routine of going that im finding it hard to get back into it. i more than know the whole "seek first the kingdom..." scripture, but sometimes as willing as the spirit is to do what it needs to do, the flesh can be the biggest hinderance...i kick myself over things like that. its like each time i try and control my thoughts and stuff i think i got it down, then the test comes and i just miss the mark... so im just like "Lord, we both know im having a hard time in this walk with you right now, it seems like the issues i have are kind of overwhelming me, but i know you are greater than each and the sum of all put together. so i choose to just leave them all for you to deal with." honesty is the best policy i say. iv learnt that i cant fool God.

i dont feel like a "good christian" at the moment. i feel quite distant from him actually. im somewhere in the valley, trying to get back up the mountain. my past experiences and level of relationship with God tell me that i need to push past all of these distractions and limitations because what he has in store will be worth it though. i also know that he's waiting with open arms for me. but why am i not running back?

its a hurdle along the journey. and it is one i havent faced before. Success will be finding out and doing what it takes to get over this metaphorical 33inch barrier.

...to be continued...

move forward

i was SERIOUSLY blessed last night at Hillsong London. Israel Houghton ministered and when i say God's timing is amazing, i really mean it. From the whole process of how i ended up there in the first place to the message that i received when i was there was just God all over... Israel shared part of his testimony, which i won't repeat except for a line from which im adopting... "we have to cross the road"... iv been wanting to go on mission for the longest time - probably since may last year, ive had it on my heart. and then like a tonne of bibles it hit me that my mission field is actually where i am. i dont have to wait till im abroad or have a translator, or in a remote village somewhere no one has heard of. im here for a reason and its time to take my stand and claim the territory God has given me. my mission may be just as simply as crossing to the other side of the road and share something with anyone.

During one of Israel's songs yesterday i was reminded of a scene from the Passion of the Christ. there is a part where Jesus falls and has his head crushed by the cross. Mary is standing on the side and then rushes to try and help him as she flashbacks to how she did so when he was a boy. when she approaches him and tries to lift him, he responds inspirationally by saying, "I make all things new," before continuing to carry the cross ... the other day i was so depressed, it came from taking my eyes of my Lord and looking at my situations. but its not even about whats goin on right now, God's plan will come to pass and even though i may be on my second (or even 382nd lol) chance, God is so faithful to restore and recover all that was broken or lost. and with that in mind here is where my new page begins. its not just a new year, i have a daily fresh 24 hours to get through and be accountable for, and my only option is to move forward.



The journey continues
Nakawunde