It was like an RTA in the middle of a crossroad with cars coming from all directions. the pile of of different situations happening at once. I didnt know which one did the most damage, but i think it was the pain from each makes its own individual impact. Sometimes its like the things that i faced before that havent quite healed yet come back to the forefront of my mind. like when you have a scab and you knock it by accident and if falls off but the skin underneath hasnt healed yet so you start bleeding again - thats the best analogy i can think of. so its time to deal with things. one by one.
the fact my Dad didnt want to see me when i went to Uganda over christmas still presses on my mind. Iv always thought to myself the only reason i dont see him that much is because of the distance, and if he was in the country things would be different. i guess i was lying to myself all along - the dreams of a little girl just wanting to be loved and making up excuses for why she isnt. but im older now and reality has hit. if he doesnt want to know me, and wont give me a reason why, theres nothing i can do. (the same goes for the friends that leave me - they are easier to get over, but when its your dad its hard). i could feel something was different but it took a while for me to put my finger on what it was. i felt alone. probably the loneliest if ever felt, but deeper than that i felt sad that i didnt know who to turn to. i didnt know who would understand me, and if they knew would they really even care?
i can always feel when things are different. no im not psychic. its like a gift of discernment. sometimes its like i can almost sense something is about to happen before it does. most times i ignore it or think im being silly and overthinking as usual, but im realising i should start paying attention to those feelings. coz when something does finally happen im not as shocked as i should be... take friday for example, i realised something when i went back to london. it took me the whole weekend to sort through it in my head (still fresh wound so i will explain later when iv healed a bit, sorry). Thank God for my friends wisdom and input btw. and then on top of that i got a HUGE confirmation at church on sunday just incase i missed it. i knew what type of change was coming. i knew things couldnt go back to where i left them but i didnt know what exactly was going to happen next. I didnt kno how i was gona get out of what i had got myself into...so i got back to bournemouth yesterday and my situation dramatically changed - literally overnight. The truth I knew i would eventually hear was said and it sucks for real. I am bruised but not as broken as I thought I would be. why? because God was great in preparing me. so its like the situation doesnt really affect me because i had already determined to go in a different direction. it still hurts though, dont get me wrong, but i think my heart would have fallen on the floor and shattered into a million pieces if he didnt prepare me. I dont understand Gods ways or methods sometimes (actually most times), but i know that they always work. I asked for a way out, and boi did i get one - i just didnt kno the answer would come in the format it did (next time i should specify.lol)
once again im finding I cant depend on man. iv been back and forth, tried and tested and come to the same conclusion. God has always been the one to pull me through everythin and i know he's the only one that wont leave me. Im accepting that My dad is human, he will probably let me down again and may never even love me, but my Heavenly Father will never disappoint me and loves me unconditionally and eternally. Great is his faithfulness. i know that God hasnt brought me this far for nothing, i just have to learn and move on. if life gives me lemons, im not only going to make lemonade, but im going to drink it too. im going to be alright. im not beating myself up over things anymore. i cant keep beating myself up about things anymore, somethings just arent my fault and theres nothin i could have done to make the outcome any different. instead i jus have to deal with the situation. i cant blame myself for things that were out of my control, but i can do my best with the things i can control. and if at the end of it all, my best isnt enough, at least i can honestly say i tried.
Peace, love and lemonade.
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