Changing the soil of my heart

Im struggling - like really. i dont even know wat to say. something happened last night, like my eyes were opened to see what i have never seen before. temptation is being thrown in my face. i dont really know how to explain this feeling.

The Parable of the sower has been read time and time again, but how often do we recognise when it is happening to us? Iv been going to church for most of my life, i have uncountable multitude of papers and notebooks (and offering envelopes - yep u know those times when you dont have any paper - just me? ok. lol) of things i would write down from all the different sunday services, conferences and random meetings i attended over the years. but whats the point? was it all a holy act infront of my fellow christians? was i just wasting ink and killing trees? its not like i always go back over my notes and study them (ok on occasion i do, but not like hardcore revision or anything). i have to admit that my heart has been like every surface in this parable. it has been like rock, iv heard the word and received it with joy (and notes to prove it), ive believed and known its true, but not allowed it to take root in my heart and in times of testing ive let go of it. it has been like thorns and chocked the word because of a desire for other things.

So now iv come to a familiar crossroad, and have to choose a direction i havent taken in the past. Its about getting out of the cycle now. A few blogs back i wrote about learning to love not knowing, and the revelation truth that i recieved is now being tested. am i going to trust Him to lead me or once again navigate my own way through this situation? will i use what i know and have learnt over the years? will i apply the theory into practice?...yes im seriously confused in the natural, wont deny that - but i know i have the mind of Christ. I choose to believe in what i know deep down rather than ponder on what is just lying on the surface; because those things will pass away - easily blown by the winds of life - but the word that dwells richly in my spirit, that cannot return to Him void, and has to bear fruit. i dont know what is going on, so i choose to rest in the knowledge that He does.

Peace, Love and Parables
xx

"But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop." - Luke 8:15