memories part 1

i remember waking up one night and feeling the bed shaking. no it wasnt an earthquake, though at this point i would have prefered it to be. she was crying, again. i lay there starring into the darkness. i wanted to climb up to the top bunk and wrap my arms around her and tell her that everything was going to be alright. but i couldnt. i couldnt say it because i didnt even know it would be. i couldnt lie to her because the reality of the situation was that neither of us knew how or if we would survive this. i couldnt see past the hour that we were in, let alone the next day. the volitility of the predicament could erupt at any moment. i was both afraid to speak and to be silent. what hurts me more than feeling pain myself is seeing my loved ones in pain. understanding their suffering but not being able to do anything about it is even worse. i was imprisoned in place where i was disowned, called things i remember but cant bear to repeat, looked at in ways im trying to forget and treated in ways i did not deserve. i found out exactly what abuse meant. the weakness , the fear, the intimidation, the feelings are indescribable. the moments in between are sickening. they were bittersweet - like the calm before the storm. i knew something was about to happen, but the moment was unpredictable. as much as i hoped last time was the last time, i prepared myself for the next time. i felt suicidal at times. but there were two things that kept me alive. one, i couldnt leave her behind to go through this alone. even if i wasnt able to change anything, at least she wasnt alone in this. two, my departure would only add to her pain and i didnt want to cause anymore tears through my selfish act. i couldnt bear anymore neither could i escape. trapped by someone i once placed high on a pedestal. i realised the hatred he had towards me. the bitterness he carried all these years. he voiced things i never would have imagined he would ever think of. thoughts that clearly were in his mind for years, there is no way things like that just appear out of thin air overnight. the truth, and yes it really did hurt. it pierced parts of my very being that i didnt know existed. it burned deeper than any emotion could ever go. it shattered everything i knew - or thought i knew. i was broken. completely drained. my world crumbled around me. the very things that held me together were removed and nothing was left. the mornings were worse than the evenings. i had nothing to look forward to. i had no reason to wake up. i wished that i wouldnt. at least in the few moments i did manage to sleep, i was away from him. at least in my dreams, i was safe and free.

TBC